


sometimes love is enough

by Amie33



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-02-25 01:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 44,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2602769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amie33/pseuds/Amie33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex was at the market when her phone rang. She put the flowers in her hands back on the stall and rummaged inside her purse until she found her mobile. Steven’s face flashed on the screen and she couldn’t help but smile as she answered. “Hello?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> You have no idea how thrilled I am as I'm posting this fic. I have been working on it for months, and I can barely believe I can finally share it!  
> I want to hugely thank Sam for the beta, and her constant support during those months. I wouldn't have made it without her.  
> Everything is written, I will be posting one chapter per week. I hope you'll like it as much as I liked writing it!

Alex was at the market when her phone rang. She put the flowers in her hands back on the stall and rummaged inside her purse until she found her mobile. Steven’s face flashed on the screen and she couldn’t help but smile as she answered. “Hello?”

The first thing she noticed was the noise in the background, but it wasn’t unusual. If he was calling from set, there were lots of people around and noise wasn’t surprising; silence was only reached when shooting. But when he started to talk she heard the tone of his voice, grave, the words almost shaking, she knew something was wrong.

“Alex?” Her heart constricted and everything around her seemed to disappear. Even her voice sounded like it was coming from far away as she replied. “Yes?”

He took a deep breath, and she felt herself doing the same. “Don’t panic. He’s fine.” he started and his words didn’t have the effect intended. _He is fine_ \- oh lord, something happened to Matt. Her hands started shaking and she closed her eyes, biting her lips so as not to scream. “You know him, always running and stumbling everywhere. He’s just stumbled on his own feet and fallen down, but the doctors say he’s okay and he should be conscious again soon.”

“Conscious?” she couldn’t help but interrupt him at the word. “Did he?… Is he?…” She seemed incapable of forming the words but Steven completed for her.

“He’s still unconscious, yes.”

“Oh my god.”

At that moment she forgot everything about the market and the flowers she wanted to buy, knocking herself blindly into boxes and stalls and people as she tried to find the way back to her car. Steven wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important, and it seemed to be very important. Matt fell and got hurt all the time. They had stopped worrying about his clumsy incidents a long time ago, but he never knocked himself unconscious before. “I’m coming. Where are you?”

Steven didn’t try to change her mind and she was glad for it. He gave her the name and address of the hospital Matt had been taken to, saying he was waiting for her. She thanked him before hanging up, and despite his reassuring words she couldn’t help but feel something was wrong; worse than it seemed. She didn’t know precisely what, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.


	2. Chapter 1

The road to the hospital wasn’t long, and less than twenty minutes after Steven called, Alex parked her car in front of the A&E. She all but rushed inside, and she was glad to find her friend already waiting for her, as he had promised.

“How is he?” was the first thing she said, and Steven shook his head negatively.

“Still unconscious. But all his scans are ok, he should wake up any minute now,” he replied as he dragged her through corridors and she barely registered the way they were taking.

“What happened?”

“We were shooting in the Tardis. Everything was fine but then he jumped a little too _joyfully_ and lost his balance. He knocked his head on the railing.”

She sighed. Usually she would have scolded Matt and told him to be more careful before laughing with him, but today she was just worried. “I told him, Steven. I tell him everyday not to act like a child of five. I knew something bad would happen one day.”

“Matt wouldn’t really be Matt if he suddenly acted like a normal adult, wouldn’t he?”

Alex knew Steven was trying to reassure her and she tried to smile, but all she could manage was a twisted wince. They walked the last steps in silence, before they finally stopped in front of a room and Steven pushed her inside.

Alex didn’t know what she expected to find, but in her mind it didn’t look like what was in front of her. Matt was lying on the bed, a blanket covering him up to his chest, the white hospital gown the only clue as to the medical environment he was now in. He didn’t have any I.V. or any monitor checking his pulse or breathing, there wasn’t even a bandage around his head. He was a bit paler than usual maybe, but apart from that he looked like he was sleeping - except he wasn’t exactly sleeping, was he?

She approached the bed, pulling a chair so she could sit down next to Matt. She took his hand in hers - warm, and she could feel the beating of his heart and blood rushing underneath his skin. It made her breathe more easily. Her other hand reached for the fringe that had fallen in front of his eyes and she brushed it off tenderly.

“You couldn’t stop yourself, could you?”

Matt didn’t reply as he normally would, still unconscious and surely totally unaware of Alex’s words or even presence. She sighed, holding his hand more strongly.

She could hear Steven pulled a chair behind her, and in silence they started waiting.

x.

Alex couldn’t tell how long she stayed in that room, sitting on that chair. Time was punctuated by the comings and goings of the nurse, the regular calls from friends and family, and the coffees Steven kept bringing. They had started with tea but had soon realised they needed something stronger.

After a while Alex had suggested Steven leave; he was surely needed on set after what happened. He’d already done more than he had to, and that she would call him when Matt awake. But he had declined, refusing to leave her alone. The _thank you_ she whispered to him didn’t seem enough to express how grateful she was.

She was staring by the window, looking at the sun going down and thinking how the day didn’t happen how she had expected to, when Matt groaned and she could hear the sheets move as he shifted. She was by his side instantly, sitting back on the chair and squeezing his hands. She could hear Steven going out of the room and calling for a nurse as she focused her whole attention on Matt, who blinked and groaned once more before opening his eyes completely.

He stared at her blankly and for a few seconds she wondered if everything was okay. But then he smiled and squeezed her hand back. “Best sight ever.” His voice was hoarse and he winced in pain, forcing his eyes to close again, but the flirt in his tone was unmistakable. Alex chuckled, fighting tears of relief.

“That’s not the right moment for that, darling, we were all very worried for you.”

When he opened his eyes again the flirt was gone, replaced by concern and gravity. He sat up straighter and his free hand reached for the back of his head; he must have found the place he was hit because he winced and groaned in pain almost instantly.

“What happened?” he asked.

“You fell on set and knocked your head. You’ve been unconscious for a while.”

He stared at her like he couldn’t believe her, then looked by the window at the night that had almost totally settled outside. He frowned, gathering his thoughts for a moment before realisation hit him.

“Oh, yes, right. Who would have thought the Tardis floor was so hard?” he joked again but Alex knew him well enough to hear the concern behind. She felt a bit more worried when he looked at her questioningly and frowned. “You weren’t on set, were you?” he asked, “River’s not in this episode.”

“No, I was not, darling. Steven called me.”

“Why would he do that?” He frowned even more and looked at their joined hands like they seemed strange to him. Alex gulped, deciding to ignore her growing fear - he’d just been unconscious for a few hours, it was normal that he felt a bit confused.

“Because I want to know when something happens to you, love. You added me to your emergency calls list a few months ago, you remember?”

He looked up at her again curiously, and hesitated before speaking again. “I don’t want to be rude, we’re friends and I know you care about me and all, but why did I do that? Well, unless we shag, maybe, but I would remember if we did.” He laughed nervously at the teasing as she felt her face crumble. She tried to fight the trembling of her hands as she looked for words.

“We do not _shag_ ,” she replied, and the relief that appeared for a second in his eyes made her feel even worse. “Matt, it’s more than just that, we’ve... We’ve been together for almost two years.”

Matt gaped at her, his mouth wide opened. He stared at her, then at their hands, and at her again like he couldn’t believe what she said was true, and maybe that was what hurt her the most. Not the fact that he couldn’t remember, but the fact that the idea seemed totally strange to him. Impossible. Absurd.

Steven came back in the room at the same moment and Alex turned her head to him - everything but the look on Matt’s face. She wouldn’t survive if he kept looking at her like that. Steven frowned instantly as he saw her, and she wondered how desperate she must look.

“So, how are you?” A doctor appeared next to Steven, totally unaware of what was happening, his eyes locked on papers in his hand. “I see here that you’ve been unconscious for a while, how are--

“He doesn’t remember,” Alex cut him off with a trembling voice and he finally looked at them. “Doctor, Matt doesn’t remember me.”

_tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. I'll see you in a week for the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for every one who commented the beginning! It means a lot to me.  
> Here is a bit more ;)

The next minutes seemed to be the longest in Alex’s life. She let go of Matt’s hand as the doctor approached him, looking first at the charts next to his bed before checking his breathing and blood pressure and all things Alex found totally useless. Matt was fine, physically at least, she could say it without being a doctor herself. She didn’t think the solution of his memory loss would be in his blood count, for god’s sake. But the doctor took his time, and she was biting his lips hard trying not to interrupt him. Matt didn’t say anything either, just answering when the doctor asked him a question and glancing at her every now and then.

“So,” the doctor finally said after a while, “Miss Kingston says you don’t remember her?”

“I do remember her,” he corrected, looking at Alex guiltily. “I just don’t remember being with her.”

The doctor frowned, rummaging in Matt’s medical file and putting out his scans. He pushed one of them in front of the light and studied them carefully. “Is there anything else you don’t remember?”

“I don’t think so.”

Long seconds of silence followed, and Alex couldn’t wait. “Doctor?”

“I don’t see anything alarming,” he finally replied, “You might have a little bruise right where you were hit but everything else is fine, I can’t see any damaged tissue. It’s good news.”

“But why can’t he remember me?” she asked again and the doctor shrugged.

“I’m sorry, I don’t have any explanation. It happens sometimes after a shock. But his scans are all ok, it should only be temporary.”

She looked at Matt, wondering if he could remember just now, before it lasted too long and hurt too much. Of course nothing like this happened, Matt looking into the void as his hands fidgeted with the hem of his sheets nervously.

The doctor pushed her and Steven out of the room to run more tests then, and Alex was almost glad he did. She was starting to feel bad in that room; the atmosphere too oppressive. She needed to go out, away from the whole situation she could barely understand.

“Do you want another coffee?” Steven asked when the door closed and they found each other in the corridor. Alex nodded; she had already drunk too much caffeine today and she knew it wouldn’t help her relax, but she couldn’t just stay here with nothing to do. Even a simple and warm cup in her hand would be welcomed.

“Thank you,” she replied as Steven headed towards the machine, and she didn’t know what she thanked him for;  bringing her coffee or staying with her as she felt her whole world crumble away.

She watched Matt though the window, unable to hear anything as he spoke with the doctor and frowned, and it felt like a dream for her. What was happening couldn’t be true, right? It was nothing but a dream and in a few seconds she would wake up in her bed with Matt’s strong arms around her and his lips pressed against hers. Or he would smile and laugh and tell everyone it was a joke - a bad one but a joke nonetheless. Anything, she could believe anything if it meant what she was living wasn’t real.

She barely realised as Steven came back and pushed a styrofoam cup into her hands. She drank the warm beverage and could barely feel it dropping into her stomach. It felt as unreal as the whole situation.

“How did it happen?” she whispered after a while. Her own voice sounded strange, even to herself.

“I told you. He stumbled and -” Steven started but she cut him.

“No, I know that. But how… How could it be? How can someone knock their head and just forgot the last years of their life.” She stopped, gulping before correcting herself. “No. How can someone just forget a part of their life. How can he have forgotten me?” She felt tears forming in her eyes but she didn’t let them fall. Not now. If Matt couldn’t remember, she would have to be strong. For herself, and for him.

“It’ll just be temporary,” Steven replied but she shook her head.

“They can’t be sure. They don’t even know exactly why he forgot. So what if they’re wrong and it’s not temporary. What if he never remembers?”

She couldn’t stop looking at Matt, the frown on his face as he pressed both hands upon his eyes. He looked tired, pale, confused. He looked different. She felt a knot on her chest. What if it was her fault? Did she do something wrong? They had had an argument a few days ago, could it be enough? Did something in his mind stop him from remembering her? Was he tired of her and his brain decided he would be better without her?

“I’m sure you don’t have to worry,” Steven placed a reassuring hand upon hers, and she realised she had torn the plastic cup in pieces. “He’s strong. He will remember.” After a pause he added, “He loves you.”

She sighed as she glanced at Matt again, and for a second their eyes met. He smiled at her but it only reminded her how bad the situation was. Something was missing. He wasn’t looking at her like he used to, with the love and tenderness she had grown accustomed to. How was she supposed to survive this?

“Sometimes,” she finally replied, “love isn’t enough.”

Steven didn’t reply, his grip on her hands just getting stronger, and she wasn’t sure it was the answer she expected.

x.

Matt didn’t understand what was happening. It was like the whole world had turned into a totally different place since he opened his eyes a few minutes earlier. He couldn’t believe it was true. He was sure he was in his bed and having a bad dream. Or maybe he was still unconscious, lying on the Tardis floor or in a hospital bed, and his bruised mind was imagining all of this. Or his accident had been more serious than he thought, and he was dead or in a coma and this was nothing but purgatory.

It had to be one of these solutions, because any of them was better than the reality of his situation. He couldn’t believe what everybody was saying. He was not with Alex. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t a thing he would forget, that he knew for sure. He had had a crush on her - no, he corrected himself, he had loved her - for the last few years, thinking again and again about how he could approach her and make her understand how he felt for her. This would be the best day of his life - above all the following days, when he would be able to kiss her and worship her and just be with her. He couldn’t have dreamed about this for years to wake up now and be told that it had already happened and come true, but he didn’t have a single memory about it.

And at the same time, a part of him knew somehow that what he was living right now was real. First, there was the pain in his head, and he was sure he would never be able to image such a thing. It felt real, more real that he wished. He could remember clearly other details of those past two years. His job for Who, being the Doctor, having more fun on set than he had before; Karen and Arthur who had slowly grown to be his best friends, and then their decision to leave; the first day with Jenna, and now she was to be the next companion and they were filming together on a daily basis now. He could remember all those things precisely.

He could even remember Alex being on set with them every now and then; how he had cherished all these moments. He remembered telling her jokes and she would laugh at them, even if they were bad. He remembered how his heart would stop every time she touched him. He remembered the endless flirtation and how he had hidden his feeling behind it. He had very clear memories of her and every moment he had spent with her. He had not forgotten Alex.

Apparently, he had forgotten being with Alex, and the thought itself seemed ridiculous. Nothing on earth could make him forget that, and he couldn’t believe he was betrayed by his own mind. How could that be possible?

“Matt?”

He looked up to face his doctor, a neurologist of some kind. He had already made him lay his hands in front of him and closed his eyes and other things, and now he was harassing him with questions - what was his name, who were his parents, what he was doing in his life, what was the year and who was the Prime Minister, and Matt realised he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even listened to the next question.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“I asked you what was your last memory of Miss Kingston.”

“A few months ago,” he replied without hesitation, “we were shooting an episode together.” He remembered it well, it was the last of the Ponds’ and Alex had been a real support. Knowing she would still be there after his friends left had made the whole thing less painful. They had had a good time, laughing and flirting more than ever - their characters were married then and they had a few scenes showing it fully, it had been a pleasure to play them that way. He remembered feeling his heart skipping a beat each time they were close, each time she laughed or touched him. As every time they were working together in fact. And that was maybe the more disturbing thing: how could he still have those memories, those feelings, how could they be real if at that time he had been with her?

“What did you have for breakfast this morning?” the next question broke Matt’s thoughts. He looked up, wondering if the doctor was serious or if it was a joke and it would end the discussion. Apparently, it was a very serious question though.

“I had coffee when I arrived on set, and tea later. And someone brought me cookies for the break.” And surely a few sweets between takes, but he didn’t think it was really important if he missed mentioning that piece of information.

“Nothing before you left home?”

“Home?”

“Home. Your house? Or maybe you own a flat? Where do you live, Matt?”

It should be a casual question, and he should have answered it without blinking. He opened his mouth, ready to talk about the flat he rented in Cardiff while shooting for the show, but just as he thought about it he realised he couldn’t. He did remember the flat, but all his memories about it seemed to be old, months maybe years old. He couldn’t remember being in the place for a long time, and if he thought about what he was doing this morning, as the doctor asked, he couldn’t remember a single thing. His first clear memories were from the set - and a bit earlier, when he was driving in his car, and he realised now around him weren’t the streets he used to take. Not the ones he remembered at least.

“I don’t… I can’t remember,” he finally replied, and for the first time the doctor seemed to be interested. But it didn’t seem interesting to Matt at all - it was scary to realise he couldn’t even remember a place where he was supposed to be everyday. “How… how could it be?” He sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing his hands over his face. His head still hurt, he was tired and thinking felt even more painful and tiring than anything.

“Don’t worry,” the doctor replied, “it seemed to be a good sign to me.” Matt removed his hands, staring at the man sceptically. “It is. Of course, you have lost a few memories, and somehow they all seemed to be related to Miss Kingston. But you still remember her, you still have a few memories of her, and you didn’t replace what you can’t remember by false memories or fantasies.”

“And it’s good?”

“It is. You still remember clearly everything else, and with what I know now, I think there are good chances you’ll totally recover. Of course it’s not an exact science, but all you said to me is very encouraging.”

It felt like the first good thing Matt had heard since he woke up. Days, maybe weeks; it wouldn’t last.

He glanced up and by the glass-window of the room, meeting Alex’s eyes. He couldn’t help but smile at her, released by the piece of news, and he knew she would be too. Right now she looked tired and worried, almost on the verge of breakdown, and he couldn’t bear to see her like that. Soon he would remember, she would really smile again and they would surely laugh about the whole situation. He couldn’t wait.

 


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm awfully sorry I haven't got time to reply to last week's comments, I've been very busy lately.  
> I'm posting chapter 3 now and I'll reply to everything in a few days, I promise!  
> Thanks everyone for reading :)))

The doctor stayed a little while, telling Matt that despite the fact that he was very optimistic, he preferred keeping him at the hospital for the night. Matt  had been unconscious for a long time and he wanted to be absolutely sure he didn’t miss anything before letting him go. He gave him medicine for his headache before wishing him a good night.

He was only given a few moments with Steven and Alex after that, the visiting hours long over and they were expected to be out soon. He had the opportunity to repeat the doctor’s words before they left. Alex seemed to be less tensed after that, but he could still feel something awkward after that, not only coming from her but also from him. He still didn’t remember a thing, and it was odd to be next to her, knowing she was expecting him to act like they were together, without knowing how he was supposed to do it.

He phone his parents and sister when he found himself alone, and reassured them. Yes, he was feeling okay. No, he wasn’t in pain (well, a bit, but no need to worry them more than they were). It was just a matter of time, the doctor said. Everything would be alright, everything was alright.

Eventually he hung up, the exhaustion barely bearable. He turned off his phone and the lights, his head falling on his pillow. In a second he closed his eyes…

But he couldn’t sleep.

He couldn’t say if it was the pain in his head, the fact that he wasn’t in his bed - or the fact that he couldn’t remember what his bed even looked like. He knew it wasn’t useful to try and force his mind to remember, the doctor had said he needed to rest first and that things would come back to him naturally. He couldn’t help it though, could he? He had just learnt his life wasn’t what he thought, and in a few days it would change again. He tried to imagine what it was like, this other life, this life with Alex - it was the same things he had imagined for years, except they were not fantasies anymore, not really.

When he finally felt himself drifting away, he was suddenly woken up by a nurse. She asked him a couple of questions to check if he still hadn’t forgotten who he was and where he was, and basically if he was still sane and alive. It was the usual procedure, she explained. Five minutes later she smiled at him and went out, and his hopes of falling asleep quickly were totally ruined.

It was the same scenario a few times during the night, the same interrogations spinning in Matt’s head, his sleep interrupted each time by another medical check. He slept a bit, exhaustion taking over once or twice, but it was clearly not enough for his need. At six the day-shift woke him up again and he decided to stop trying to sleep. Instead he got out of bed and opened the curtains. He thought about going out to have a walk in the corridors, except he only had that hospital dress that left him half naked, and he had no idea where his clothes had been taken. So he just stayed in his room, trying to fight his boredom by shifting channels on telly.

After what felt like an eternity he was brought breakfast, and even though it didn’t look marvellous, at least it was food and his stomach growled at the mere sight of the burned toast. He didn’t remember eating since his breakfast the day before - and it was also a thing he couldn’t remember clearly. He was biting into his third slice of bread when there was a knock on the door, and he was pleased to see that this time it wasn’t another nurse waiting in the doorway, but Alex. He couldn’t help but beam at her.

“Hello!” he greeted her joyfully, delighting to see a friendly face here.

“Hello, how are you feeling?” she asked as she entered the room and sat next to his bed, “you look tired.”

“So do you,” he noticed. Her smile was barely hiding the fatigue on her face. He wondered if she had lain awake all night like he had. Probably, he thought. His life wasn’t the only one that had suddenly been changed by his memory loss, hers had been too. “But I feel better since you’re here,” he added, winking at her, trying to find the flirting tone they used to have. He realised his mistake as Alex’s eyes lit up, hope shining in them.

“Do you…” she started then stopped, her sentence unfinished but they both knew what she thought. Do you remember?

“No,” he shook his head and looked down, not able to bear seeing the pain on her face the confession would surely elicit from her. “No, I don’t remember.”

There was an heavy silence between them after that, and while Matt stared at his now empty plate he could hear Alex shifting uncomfortably next to him.

“Ok,” she said after a while. “I, err, I brought you some clothes.” She showed the large bag she had been carrying with her. “I thought you might need them.”

He frowned at her for a second, before he realised that if it sounded strange to him, she was probably used to his clothes. If they were together, she should know them all and be able to choose an outfit for him. And if they were living together, and surely they were if he trusted the few clues he had, his clothes were probably kept together in the same cupboard as hers. It was a thrilling idea, Alex’s hippie dresses next to his band-named t-shirts, to imagine her rummaging through his things, and maybe to wear them sometimes. A few intimate questions flooded his head, like did she like to sleep in his shirts, or did he have a fetish for her knickers?

He couldn’t help but blush, the thoughts too much. From his point of view, Alex was still his secret crush and thinking about her naked in his clothes or other details of her intimacy while she was just next to him was embarrassing. He cleared his throat, hoping she couldn’t read his thought on his face - or maybe hoping she could. He wasn’t sure, would she be glad to know he was still thinking about her in this intimate way; or would she find it as embarrassing as him?

“Thank you,” he grumbled instead. When he finally found the courage to look up and at her again, what he found broke his heart. Her features were tensed and she was biting her lips hard, probably to stop the tears that were forming in her eyes. It looked like she was trying to keep control but obviously it wasn’t really working. Instantly, his whole embarrassment vanished, only replaced by the will to make her feel better.

“Kingston.” She closed her eyes briefly as he spoke, and startled as he took her hand. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and he knew it wasn’t enough but what else could he say?

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault.” He could hear she was fighting to keep her voice steady but there was no doubt she was sincere.

“It is my fault. I may not remember everything but I’m sure you told me more than once to be more careful, didn’t you?” She looked up at him, the ghost of a smile at the corner of her mouth and he knew he had been right. “But I didn’t listen to you and now I have forgotten so much… I’m sorry.”

She didn’t reply that time, just keeping her eyes fixed on him while he squeezed her hand harder and he hoped that, even if it wasn’t enough to make it up to her, his words helped her a bit. They helped him at least, even if they didn’t erase all the guilt.

Their long silence was interrupted by a knock and they both jumped, Matt removing his hands from Alex’s in a hurry, feeling like a teenager being caught with a girl he shouldn’t. He didn’t miss the quick look of hurt that appeared in Alex’s eyes again, and gulped as he turned to face the intruder.

“Good morning, Mr Smith, do you remember me?” Matt nodded; even though he couldn’t remember his name (but who remembered names anyway?) he absolutely recognised the doctor from the day before.

“Yes, of course.”

The doctor smiled before turning to Alex, greeting her too. Matt wondered if the man was really oblivious that he had interrupted whatever had happened between them, of if he was just rude. Considering the way he was currently fumbling with his papers, Matt thought it was probably the first solution.

“So, what I read here is perfectly fine. I don’t have any reason to keep you longer, I just have a couple of papers to fill in and in a few hours you’ll be able to leave.” He paused, looking up from Matt’s file to look at him, then at Alex, and at him again. “You still don’t remember?”

“I don’t,” Matt sighed, but it didn’t seem to alter the doctor’s good mood.

“There’s nothing surprising, I didn’t expect your memories to be back in the night anyway. You need to go home and be in a familiar place again, have a lot of rest, and everything should be fine again soon. We’ll have an appointment in a fortnight to check you’re recovering well, and of course feel free to call if anything gets worse before it: headaches, more memory losses, or anything unusual… Do you understand?” Matt nodded, and next to him he saw Alex doing the same. “Great. Do you have any question?”

“Will it be long?” Alex asked and Matt looked at her with a mix of curiosity and wonder. It seemed a bit unusual but also fascinating to watch her asking questions about his life - except it seemed to be perfectly normal for her. It was another proof that he was a part of her own life too now.

“I would say a few days, maybe weeks.”

“And what if…”

“I don’t think you should think about anything else.” The doctor cut her off before she could finish. “If in a month or two nothing’s changed we will talk about it and see what we can do. But there’s no reason to be worried about it by now.”

“Okay.” She let out a sigh before glancing at Matt. The next question was from him. “Is there anything we can do to help my memories to come back?”

“You have to rest, this is the most important. To be in familiar places, to see photos and hear about those things you forgot can also help. But first, don’t forget to rest, is that understood?”

He nodded again, knowing somehow that it would surely be more complicated than it seemed.

x.

They ran more tests on Matt, made a couple of more analyses, asked him series of questions and eventually, after giving him a prescription and an appointment in a fortnight, with the emergency number he had to call in case he fell badly again, he was allowed to leave the hospital. It was the middle of the afternoon when they finally stepped out of the building, Alex leading the way and Matt following her in silence. He looked pale and exhausted, and she was glad the doctors insisted he rested for the next week; he looked like he really needed it.

Alex dragged him to the car and shoved him inside to the passenger seat. She remembered how he was used to arguing about it, always insisting she let him drive, but he didn’t say anything today. She threw their things into the boot, trying not to look worried as she opened her own door and sat next to him. She started the engine, took the road, and drove.

For a few minutes neither of them said a word, and the only sound that could be heard was the purring of the car, and the circulation around them. Focused on the road, Alex occasionally shot a glance at Matt; he was looking out by the window, watching the buildings they passed by, and it hit her.

“You have no idea where we’re going, do you?” She tried to sound matter-of-factly but it was difficult. She knew she should get used to it, that he wouldn’t probably recognise anything - it was not only her that he had forgotten, but their whole life. The place they bought together was only the first thing of a long list.

Matt looked away from the window, shaking his head negatively. “I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Alex gulped and lied. “You’ll like the place.”

“I’m sure I do.”

Matt smiled tentatively, and Alex felt a bit better at the thought. Matt was still Matt after all, and he had always loved their flat. It had taken them a lot of time to find the perfect place, but she remembered very well how enthralled he had been by the flat.

“You have to see that, Alex.” She’s shooting when he calls her, and she listens to his message an hour later. He sounds delighted, passionate about the place, telling her about all the details and she can’t help but smile, even if she tries to keep her head clear. “Big place, calm neighbourhood, there’s lot of light, the bathroom is wonderful and you can see the park from the bedroom, maybe we’ll have to paint some walls in a different colour, but everything else is perfect, and…” He stops, and she can almost feel his smug smile as he says the last word. “... and there’s a surprise for you. I know you’re gonna love it.”

She finishes too late, but the following day he manages to have another appointment and this time she can go with him. And she has to admit, the moment she enters the place all her doubts disappear. He was right, it seems perfect. She instantly feels good in the flat, and it’s not long before she starts imagining all her things in the place - and all his.

The living room is big, but not too huge and she knows it’ll be comfy once they’ve moved in. The open-plan kitchen is brand new, still shining. The bedroom is huge, and the sight from it delightful and relaxing. There are two other rooms, smaller, one for Salome when she visits them, and a spare room for friends or family. The bathroom has both a tub and a shower, and Matt explains her passionately she can have massages and music and bubbles thanks to a little panel next to the tub. She’s not sure she’ll be able to make it work, but she has to admit it sounds nice.

The visit ends with her surprise, Matt putting his hands upon her eyes as he drags her into the flat. “Keep your eyes closed,” he whispers after they stop. She nods and he removes his hands. He reaches out in front of her, pulling open what sounds like a window or a door. A door obviously, as he takes her hand and pulls her after him. “Mind the step.” She already imagines a balcony, and thinks it’s a nice bonus to the flat.

“Open your eyes.”

She does as she’s told, and instantly gasps at the view. It’s not exactly a balcony, but more like a little garden. Except it’s on a terrace on the top of a building. But there is dirt and soil enough for her to plant a few flowers and there will still be room for a little table and sun chairs.

“So, what do you think?” Matt asks, a bit hesitant, and she beams brightly at him.

“When are we signing?”

It was Alex’s turn now to make Matt discover the place, and to be the one waiting expectantly as he stood in the living room, looking around him with interest. He still looked exhausted, but she could feel him starting to relax, as if even if his brain couldn’t remember the place, his body did. His muscles weren’t as tensed as they used to be a few minutes ago. He tentatively reached for the couch, pushing aside the cover she had curled in the previous day, and as he sat and closed his eyes, she could hear him sigh in relief.

She was removing her coat and shoes, wondering if he would just stay there and sleep on the sofa, when he opened his eyes again and looked more carefully around him. “So, this is where we live?”

“Yes.”

He didn’t ask anything else and she didn’t say more, afraid to push him. So she let him rest, heading to the kitchen to make tea while he stood up again and removed his own jacket before wandering into the room. He disappeared into the corridor and she forced herself to stay in the kitchen, forced herself to let him rediscover the whole place. She couldn’t imagine what it could feel like to enter a flat that was his, with all his things already in place, mixed with hers, and yet not to have a single memory about it. She was sure he needed a bit of time to acclimate.

She waited until the kettle whistled, pouring water, milk and the tea into two mugs before looking for him. He hadn’t gone far; she found him into their bedroom, the cupboard wide open as he stared as his own clothes like he was seeing them for the first time. She cleared her throat as she entered the room and he jumped.

“I’m sorry, I just… I was looking for clothes.” He showed her the shirt he was holding but she shook her head and fought the pain; he looked so embarrassed, like she had found him doing something wrong. More, he acted like the sight of her clothes and his clothes in the same place was disturbing him, and it was difficult to remember the time when they had both been so happy for it.

“It’s okay, there are your things, darling.” She forced a smile as she held out the tea.

“Thank you.”

They sipped in silence for a few seconds, and once again she didn’t want to start speaking, instead she wanted to let him walk at his own pace.

“You have a wonderful bathroom,” he finally said with a tone that made her think again he had fallen in love again with it.

“Yes, we have,” she couldn’t help to correct him, and for a second something passed on his face that made her instantly regret the way she had said it. But then it disappeared and he kept on like nothing had happened.

“I’ll probably take a bath, and try to have a sleep.”

“Okay, right,” she agreed; he looked like he needed it. “You’re home, do as you like. I’ll let you rest, and probably just stay in the living-room for a while, if you need anything…” she waved, showing the room, hoping the gesture would tell everything she couldn’t - if there was anything you couldn’t remember, just ask me. But there must be something else, because as he nodded Matt looked down, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

“Alex, I…” he stopped and hesitated. “I think I’m going to sleep in the spare room. Just for a while, until… Until I remember, you see?”

The words hit her with force, and her grip tightened around her mug, like if holding it could keep her in one piece.

Of course, she understood he couldn’t sleep there, in their bed, with her next to him, thinking about what they did in that bed, those sheets, when he couldn’t remember a single moment of it. But she hadn’t thought of it, hadn’t realised what it meant. That she would sleep alone, and this time it wouldn’t be only a physical separation, the usual Atlantic keeping them apart, but it would be because he wouldn’t. Couldn’t.

She gulped but nodded. “Right. I understand.”

With that she turned back and got out of the room, almost running. She could barely bare it anymore. She wasn’t strong enough to hear more of it. Not today, not now.

Alex didn’t see Matt again that night. He did as he had said, and she could hear the water running before he headed to the room at the end of the corridor, and then a complete silence as he must fall asleep. She eventually reached her own bed, late into the night, holding his pillow tightly, trying to find comfort in the smell of him lingering on the fabric, and praying that soon it would be all over.

_tbc_


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I took so long to reply to your comments everyone. Here I apologise with two chapters :)

When Matt woke up, the first thing that hit him was the pain in his head, like a drum was loudly playing from inside of his brain. He remembered having hangovers in the past, but they hadn’t exactly felt that way. Today the pain felt like it wasn’t only the result of alcohol and a stupid behaviour, but like there was a real physical cause of it.

He opened his eyes, his hand reaching for the back of his head and he noticed two things at the same time. First, he was right, there was a physical side to his pain if he believed the bump that had grown on his head. And second, he wasn’t in his bed.

He closed his eyes and groaned, looking into his blurred memories and soon he remembered. The accident on set. Twenty-four hours spent in the hospital. His memory loss. Alex.

He searched deeper, trying to see if any new memory had come back, but it didn’t seem so. His only memories of being intimate with Alex were the ones from the day before. But the doctor had warned them it could take a few days; maybe when the pain in his head had gone it would be easier to remember. For that he should get up first, walk and find his painkillers. And maybe have a bit of food, he felt famished. He had no idea what time it was, but the sun was shining through the blinds, telling him he had at least slept the whole evening and night, and maybe a part of the day.

Matt took a few more minutes, just lying in bed and trying to fully awake after his long sleep. He scanned the room carefully, having only briefly looked at it the previous day, too happy to fall in bed and close his eyes. But now he had time, and it was a good exercise to call for his memories. He recognised some of the things, that had come from his place, and others he had previously seen in Alex’s, like the bedside lamp that had previously been in his own living room, or the curtains that he thought had been in her flat, even if he couldn’t remember exactly where. There were a also few objects he couldn’t recognise, and he wondered if they were hers or if they had bought them together; if they had argued about them, if they had spent endless hours in Ikea to find the right piece of furniture. But he could only guess, not remember, and soon he felt the exercise frustrating.

Fully awake now, he pushed the covers away and managed to get on his feet. The world seemed to spin around him for a few seconds, but then everything stabilised and he had no issue to put one foot in front of the other. Once he was sure he wouldn’t stumble on the way, he left the room.

There was a nice smell in the corridor that made his stomach instantly grumble louder, and he decided the kitchen would probably be the first room he would check. He could recognise pancakes, and also a chocolate flavour, like cookies or brownies, and the prospect of the sweets alone already made him feel better.

While he followed the smell, he couldn’t help but look around him, trying to get accustomed to the fact that the flat was his. It was still a strange feeling to wander in a place that contained all his things, but he didn’t remember having put them there. It was even more strange to find them with someone else’s things. The fact that this someone was his secret-but-a-bit-obvious crush (previous secret-but-a-bit-obvious crush he corrected himself) and that he was supposed to have a real and serious love affair with her didn’t help to make the situation easier. Hopefully it would get better soon.

He pushed aside the weird feeling, finally reaching the living-room and he had to stop, suddenly dazzled by the light in the room. He blinked, fighting the new pain in his head as his vision got slowly accustomed to the sun.

“Hey!”

He heard Alex better than he saw her, and he managed to take a few steps in the direction of the kitchen - in her direction. He took the closest stool, falling on it with a lack of grace, hiding his head inside his hands as he waited to be able to clearly see.

“Hey,” he finally groaned out more than answered.

“How are you feeling?” Alex asked, sounding a bit worried.

“Honestly? Like my head is about to blow up.”

“Wait.” She rummaged into the cupboards, getting a mug out of one of them, and a box of pills from the other. A few seconds later she was pushing a steaming tea in front of him with a couple of pills. “It should make you feel better.”

He whispered a thank you, swallowing the medicine with his tea, and he could almost feel better already, just by the warm beverage filling up his stomach. It was made exactly as he liked, strong and sweet, and he struck him how well she must know him.

“It’s amazing.” Her only reply was a smile, and the faintest blush.

His vision and his mind better, he looked properly around him, and realised he hadn’t been wrong about the cooking. There was a pile of pancakes on the counter, a few cupcakes in a corner, and more food was still in the oven. He looked up at Alex, who had taken another seat and was staring at him without saying a single word.

“You’ve made all this?” He waved at the different food scattered around the kitchen and she nodded.

“I have. I needed to be busy. Come on, take something.” She pushed a plate in front of him, and he gladly devoured a couple of chocolate cookies. “You must be starving,” she kept on, the sentence more a fact than a question.

“I am. How long have I been sleeping?”

She glanced at the clock. “Almost fifteen hours.” He whistled. “I didn’t want to wake you up, I thought you needed to sleep a bit.”

“I think so, thank you.” He reached for a pancake. “And this food is wonderful.”

She smiled, more brightly than before, and he felt a bit of that tension that was hanging between them since the previous day lighten a bit. “So, are you… Do you often cook?” he asked, eager to know more about the life he had forgotten now that he was offered to taste of such a good side of it.

“Not as often as I wanted,” she sighed. “I don’t really have the time to.”

“Do I?”

“Cook?” He nodded, and he knew he was missing something at the way she started to giggle. “Oh god, no. You’re not allowed near the kitchen.”

He raised a brow at her in question. He wasn’t a good cook, but he couldn’t remember any reason why someone would forbid him to cook. “The first time we stayed home,” she started to explain, her voice softer as she remember, “you almost set the whole building on fire, with pancakes you let burn.”

“I did not?”

“You did,” she insisted, and he tried to imagine how he could have done something so stupid. Then she added. “And you were completely naked.” He was trying to reach for another cookie but stopped his movement, looking at Alex incredulously.

“Really?”

He felt himself blush at she nodded, but then she started to laugh again and it was impossible not to follow her. He wondered what it must have looked like, him naked in her kitchen trying to stop a pan from burning. It must have been a sight!

They laughed for a few seconds, and then their laughter died, leaving them both in silence. He wished it was a memory he would be able to remember soon; their first night, their first morning, his first catastrophe. He sighed, and Alex almost sighed at the same time, lost in her own thoughts, a painful look on her face. He realised then that, more than remembering, he wished to kill that distance that seemed to have settle between them. He wished he could see her genuinely smile and laugh again.

x.

Matt had phone calls to make after breakfast. He updated his mother, telling her he was back home and okay. He managed to reassure her and assured her he was fine and no, she didn't need to come and look after him. Alex was there for him, and of course they would call if they needed her help. His next call was for his sister, who had left a hundred of messages since the previous day. He was happy to talk to Laura, and she ended with the promise to pay him and Alex a visit, when he felt well enough and when staying home like the doctor ordered would drive him mad.

He texted Steven after that, letting him know he was out of the hospital, thanking him for taking care of him and Alex when he was over there. He also replied to a nice text from Jenna - they had started to film together only a few weeks ago but they had gotten along very easily - and decided to delay his call to Karen. His friend had already let him a good many messages, and if he wasn’t ready for an hour call, he at least texted her that everything was okay. There were more texts and messages from other people and he carefully replied to everyone.

Just that seemed to exhaust him, and by noon he felt as tired as he had the previous day.

He tried to work in the afternoon, not knowing what else to do. Alex frowned at him and tried to stop him but he told her he was fine, and she didn’t insist long. There was a pile of scripts he hadn’t had the time to open, too busy with the work for Who. He managed to read a few but couldn’t focus enough, the lines mixing up in front of his eyes and after a couple of them he couldn’t understand a single word. He tried to read one more - he didn’t want to let a simple knock on his head lead his life - but he finally gave up, his headaches coming back and making things even worse.

He didn’t want to sleep despite his tiredness, but didn’t feel well enough to do anything either. He knew he should try to train his memory. He felt like Alex was about to suggest this more than once, but she must read on his face it wasn’t the right moment and she didn’t say anything. He ended up watching bad shows on telly, barely looking at the images.

They ordered takeaway for dinner but he barely touched the food, the pain still lingering and making him feel a bit dizzy. He fell back onto the sofa after putting on the telly again. He zapped until he found a football match, barely looking at who was playing.

He didn’t watch more than a few minutes, didn’t feel his eyes closing and his mind drifting away. He realised he had fallen asleep only when he woke up, a blanket around him and a cushion pillowed under his head. He smiled at the thought of Alex taking care of him, and then felt guilty for having been such bad company.

The digital clock of the telly was showing him two o’clock and he groaned, extracting himself from the sofa to try and reach his bed. There was light under Alex’s door (their door, he tried to correct himself, but the notion was still odd to him) and for a moment he hesitated. Should he knock and say goodnight? But maybe he would bother her. Maybe she didn’t want to see him, acting all awkward in this place when she was trying to get through the situation. Or maybe she was sleeping, and had simply forgotten to turn off the light.

He eventually sighed and walked away from her bedroom (their bedroom). It was better to wait a few days before knocking at her door in the middle of the night. And if everything was right, in a while he would remember everything and wouldn't have to knock at their door anymore. Until then, he would be in his own separate bedroom, in his own separate bed.

He fell asleep almost instantly, like the previous day, and had a long night without any dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the time Matt almost burnt the flat a few months ago, for those who want you can find it here : http://itsnotthesunitsyou.tumblr.com/post/82935725288


	6. Chapter 5

Alex was the first to wake up on the next day, having in fact barely slept. She had been thinking about Matt; he had been so tired, she had rarely seen him with so little energy, and it was a clue to how bad he must feel. And if his physical state was a source of worry, his lack of memories was even more concerning. It wasn’t something that could be cured with painkillers and other medicines. She tried to fight her thoughts each time the fact came back in her mind, trying to stay positive. It was only a couple of days after all, there was no need to think about the worst.

She kept herself busy in the morning, making tea and cleaning a bit, leaving the breakfast for when Matt would be awake. Surprisingly he showed up quite early, and he seemed in better shape than the previous day. He appeared with a smile on his face, greeting her almost joyfully.

“Hello.”

“Good morning,” she replied, his smile intoxicating. “You look better today,” she told him and he nodded as he passed her in the kitchen, reaching for a mug and filling it with tea.

“I do, yes. The headaches have almost completely gone.”

“Good,” she exclaimed, letting another hope growing. “Do you…” she stopped, hesitating, but he finished the sentence by himself. *

“Remember? Nothing, not yet.” It didn’t seem to bother him through, and he shrugged nonchalantly. “There’s no reason to worry, with the headaches gone I’m sure my memories will be back very soon.”

He smiled at her and Alex wondered if he was really as relaxed as he seemed, or if it was just a façade. But he was right, in both cases, she immediately corrected herself; there was no reason to worry.

They had no plan for the day, and Matt was still supposed to stay inside and rest on doctor’s order, but he was clearly starting to get bored already. He spent the morning pacing up and down the flat, staring at every object like he was discovering them, and Alex couldn’t help but feel the same knock in her chest each time. It was when he picked up the same photo for the third time, examining it with confusion, that she thought there was maybe a way to help him; it would make his mind worked, and would keep him busy for a while.

“It was in France,” she said and he almost jumped, looking back at her in surprise.

“What?”

“The photo.” She came close to him, pointing at the frame in his hand. “It was taken in France.”

He looked more closely at it, intrigued, maybe searching for clues in the picture, or in his own mind. “When was it?” he asked.

“Last year. We had a few free days in June and you thought it was a good time for holidays. We took the car, crossed the Channel and half of France.” She took the photographs from his hands as she let her own memories come back. “We got lost in a wine cellar that day.”

He frowned at her. “I don’t…” he started then stopped. I don’t remember, he wanted to say, and of course he didn’t.

“I know,” she sighed.

_“Matt,” she whispers, “what are you doing?”_

_“The visit is rubbish.”_

_“You’re the one who wanted it, remember?”_

_“I know, but have you heard this girl’s accent? I understand her French better than her English. And we haven’t tasted a single drop of wine yet.”_

_She rolled her eyes at him as he tugged at her sleeve and dragged her behind a large barrel and away from the group._

_“They’ll realise we’re gone, you know?”_

_“They won’t, not before a while.” He peeks at the group slowly walking away. “It gives us plenty of time.”_

_“Plenty of time for what?”_

_He smirks, pressing her closer against the barrel, his hands reaching for the hem of her skirt, his fingers sliding underneath and stroking her skin playfully. “I have a few ideas…”_

_“Matt…” she tries to protest, his name sounding already more like a plea than a reproach in her mouth._

_“You know it’s not my fault, with the heat, this short skirt and that top of yours.” He stares at said top and she has to admit, her cleavage is leaving short space to the imagination. And his is always working very well._

_“We’re in a wine cellar...’ she tries again, but his fingers have already reached the top of her thighs, sliding against the lace of her knickers, and she feels her resolution literally vanish under his hands._

_“Well, we’ll cross that out of our list,” he chuckles, his mouth descending on her neck and her next reply disappears in a moan._

_After that, it takes them almost two hours to find the exit, rows of barrels following rows of barrels, all identical and they are incapable to find their way out. It’s their guide who eventually find them, sitting on the ground, having decided to open a barrel by themselves and trying the wine - red, strong, perfect. They are too tipsy to understand if the girl is scolding them or apologising. Days after, they are still laughing about the incident._

“I can show you more pictures, if you want,” Alex finally proposed. Matt seemed to hesitate a few seconds, before he nodded and agreed.

“Yes, right, it could be a good idea.”

She reached for her computer and a few printed photographs, and they settled, side to side on the sofa. She took her time, showing him everything she could, telling him the story of each picture. It was a bit painful to talk about all those moments, when he was next to her and incapable of remembering a single instant, but at least they were together, trying to work it out together, and it was maybe what mattered the most.

“How did we start?” Matt asked suddenly, and she let go of the photos in her hand. “You and I,” he continued as she looked at him with a mix of shock and confusion. “How did we start? Did I ask you for a date, or did we cross the line of flirt one day? I hope I wasn’t too clumsy…”

_His hands around her, and for long minutes he does nothing, just strokes her skin and whispers reassuring things. He doesn’t ask, doesn’t comment, doesn’t try to understand - he’s just there, a presence she needs without even knowing it. She holds his shirt and lets the tears fall, until all her muscles ache from keeping the same position, until she loses track of time, until she feels like she won’t be able to ever move again. And Matt doesn’t stir, doesn’t complain, doesn’t flinch a single time, strong and steady, holding her and her life, keeping her whole, his arms and chest around her preventing all the pieces of her to tear apart and disintegrate._

_Nothing else happens this night. But he is there, a beacon in the night when everybody else has disappeared, and it changes everything. She will never see him the same way after that. For her, it is the beginning of everything, the first day she sees him as he is, the first day he sees her as she is. It’s not scary, it’s not weird, the two of them, true and whole; it feels like everything has fallen into place._

_She thinks life has great surprises. She was about to lose herself this night but instead she finds him, one of the best part of her life._

She blinked at Matt, memories rushing into her mind and she felt like drowning into them. And she realised, as she looked at him and his expectant look, that there were things she wouldn’t be able to bear, and memories she wouldn’t be able to tell. If he couldn’t remember how everything started, she wouldn’t share the story. It was something he had to remember, by himself, it was too intimate, too important, to be put on words.

“I can’t,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you.”

Alex looked at the photographs laid in front of them, avoiding his gaze. Somehow the Matt in the pictures seemed more real than the one next to her, closer to the memory she had - and that he didn’t have, not anymore.

“Hey,” Matt reached for her hand, noticing her bewilderment. “It’ll be okay,” he breathed out reassuringly. “It will get better, I promise.”

Alex forced a smile. She hoped he was right.

x.

One week passed.

Two weeks passed.

A month passed.

Nothing changed. Matt’s memories didn’t come back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to Cazzie, who gave me the idea of the wine cellar scene (a long time ago... finally you have it! hope you like it ;) )  
> Next chapter in a week, as always!


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to everyone who's reading and commenting ;)  
> One chapter today, as promised!

Alex turned and sighed at her alarm clock, 3am flashing brightly at her, mocking her. She was sure, if alarm clocks could laugh, this one would totally be laughing at her. Every night it was the same scenario; she fell asleep late and barely slept an hour or two before she woke up again, eyes wide open as she watched the hours pass. It was only in the early morning that she could sleep again, only a few hours before she had to wake up. In the daytime she was knackered, forcing herself to keep busy so as not to fall from exhaustion, but when it was time to close her eyes again she was incapable of finding sleep.

She knew why she couldn’t sleep, but somehow there was nothing she could do. Things between her and Matt hadn’t gotten better. It was more than a month now since he had his accident, but he still couldn’t remember a single thing about their life before it. The doctors had him perform all kind of tests at least twice, but all the results were normal. The bruise caused by the knock on his head had totally healed, and there was no reason to explain why he still couldn’t remember.

Alex couldn't help but think about what happened a few days before he had his accident, how they had argued and how it had been all her fault. Of course they had made up and he had told her it was all forgotten and forgiven, but she couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. She wondered if his memory loss was because a part of him, his unconscious, subconscious, or whatever in his brain, refused to remember her and all their failures as a couple. It was maybe an easy way for him to break up - he had wanted to forget her, metaphorically speaking, and somehow his wish had become real.

A more reasonable part of her knew it wasn’t possible, that it wasn’t in Matt’s nature. But the truth was there, he still couldn’t remember, and there was nothing the doctors could do to help; they said it happened sometimes, for reasons they didn’t understand some people didn’t get their memories back, even after all their physical injuries had been healed. It could take months or years for the memories to come back - and some of them never came back at all. It was something they couldn’t foresee nor treat, and there was nothing to do but wait.

And so Alex was waiting, but nothing changed - or it only changed for worse. Matt not remembering, it meant that he still acted like a stranger in their own home, and it hurt to see him like that. She tried to help him, talking about their previous life and telling her own memories, and if at the beginning he had been interested and curious about it, now it only seemed to ruin his mood. He barely listened to her anymore, barely looked at her. She could feel him pulling away from her, more distant everyday, and she didn’t know what to do against it. She was holding to her memories, holding to the hope everything would go back as it had been; it only separated them more, but it was the only way she had found to fight.

They barely saw each other now. Matt was usually out all day long, coming home at a decent hour only once or twice a week, the rest of the time working until she was already asleep. He spent almost all his free days away, and she couldn’t blame him. The atmosphere in the flat was oppressive, and she too ran away from it as often as possible. They cohabited only when necessary. The worst was maybe that she couldn’t let go, couldn’t stop thinking that one day it would be better. And she knew what she was fighting for, but she couldn’t understand was what he was fighting for. Why did he keep coming here and living here, when everything she said or did seemed to do nothing but to annoy him and get him angry? Why didn’t he just leave? It would eventually happen if he couldn’t remember, wouldn’t it? Even if she didn’t want, she had to face the truth, it was very likely to end this way.

And so she was, unable to stop fighting, unable to let go, but unable to say the words that would end it all. They were at a dead end.

Alex sighed again, the same thoughts spinning in her mind for days and days now, until she knew them by heart. She glanced at the clock, the hours stubbornly growing closer to the morning. She knew she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for a while now, and she huffed as she pushed the covers away. Maybe a cup of tea would help her.

She tiptoed out of her room, heading to the kitchen. She was surprised as she walked to see the light was on, and wondered briefly if she had forgotten to shut it down. But as she approached closer she realised Matt was in the room, his back to her. He had set the kettle on, and she could hear it started to boil.

For a second she hesitated, not sure she was ready to face him in the middle of the night - not sure he was ready to face her. But she would really kill for a cuppa right now.

“Hi,” she announced herself then, and Matt turned back at her voice.

“Hi.”

She came to his side, reaching for a mug and a teabag. “Are you just back from work?” she asked, trying to sound casual. He came back later and later, and some days she wondered if it was only work - he had no reason to be faithful after all, from his point. She would understand.

“No,” he shook his head instead, reaching for the whistling kettle and filling both their cups. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me neither,” she admitted quietly.

He didn’t reply, adding milk and sugar before reaching for the closest stool. She followed him, sitting at a distance from him that she hoped wasn’t too close, but not too far either. It felt awkward, to calculate her every move, while there was a time when every movement was just easy, natural.

For a few minutes neither of them talked, and the only sound that could be heard was their spoons spinning into their cups as they waited for their tea to brew. Alex couldn’t help but glance away, repressing sighs as she remembered a time when their kitchen wasn’t filled with silence.

_They have just bought the flat, all the papers signed a few hours ago and keys all new in their hands. The rooms are all empty, their steps resonating as they walk. They discuss about what they will put in it and where they will, already feeling good, already feeling like home. The first thing they bring is the kettle, and they sip tea on the cold floor of the kitchen as they dream about their future, until the darkness forces them to leave._

_A few weeks after they have moved in, they both have a few days break. Instead of painting the guest room like they have initially planned, Matt decides it is the best time to christen all the rooms of the flat. The kitchen is certainly the best; she swears she can still feel the work surface pattern on her arse a fortnight after._

_She has a long list of bad anniversaries - all the failures of her life, scattered across her mental calendar like reminders of everything she couldn’t achieve, everything she has lost, everything that still hurts her. Most of the time she ignores them, but some days she can’t. She usually hides in the patio on such moments, but when it’s too rainy or too snowy the kitchen is her second choice. There she can cook for hours and every successful meal feels like a little victory. Except it’s a bit risky to chop food with tears in the eyes, and when it’s too blurry and she cuts herself, she can’t help but swear before smashing the plate away in rage, frustration, desperation. Matt is there in a second, holding her, hushing her, kissing her. He calms her down, cleans and bandages her finger, and never stops telling her she’s loved and safe._

_He never closes the cabinets. He opens one to take a plate, turns around to look for his glass, bends over to rummage through the drawers for cutlery, but forgets the door is open and hits his head right into the corner, every time. And every time she laughs after checking he’s okay, joking about the Who team that will have to put extra make-up on his face again. He usually huffs and grumbles. But as she reaches for his forehead or to kiss his eyebrow, he never forgets to take the opportunity, his arms closing around her and his mouth reaching for her neck. All the plates and glasses and cutlery of the world are forgotten as she takes care of his bruise, and more._

“It drives me mad.”

His voice startled Alex, breaking her thoughts, and she tore her gaze away from her cup to look back at Matt. He was still staring at his own tea, and for a second she wondered if she hadn’t imagined him talking.

“What?”

“That. The situation.” He replied, waving a hand between them. He had said something then. “You, us.” He turned his head to look directly at her, stressing his words by a burning look that made her heart skip a beat. “It drives me mad,” he said again, his frustration clearly palpable in the repetition. Alex gulped, almost glad when he turned his head back and stopped looking at her. Then she could start to breathe again.

“It drives me mad too,” she confessed slowly. And it was strange, she thought, how ironic the situation was. They were both feeling the same way, but somehow they were incapable of talking to each other, incapable of supporting each other and to make something good out of their pain - only hurt each other. Every look, every sigh, every movement was separating them a bit more, like some kind of a bad spell and they didn’t know how to break it. Even as they were sitting there, so close, the conversation the most honest they had had in weeks, silence was stretching out between them, distance growing inexorably.

At the beginning, when Matt had forgotten, Alex had thought the worst was the way he looked at her like she was a complete stranger. Now, weeks later, she understood she was wrong. Because now he was behaving with her not only like she was a stranger, but like she was some old friend he had grown tired of, and that was the most difficult thing to bear. His awkward, annoyed attitude in her presence. She knew it wasn’t all against her, but because of the frustration of the memories he couldn’t remember, but it still hurt the same.

“Where are we going?” she whispered, saying aloud her doubts about their future.

Matt took his time, gulping the last drops of his tea before he shook his head and replied : “I don’t know.”

He stood up, leaving his mug in the sink before leaving the room, not even looking at her once. Alex sighed, tears in her eyes as she sat in front of her tea, his words still echoing in her ears.

_tbc_

 


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. With work and Christmas coming I couldn't log in last week.   
> I'm posting one chapter rn and planning the next one to be posted in a few days.   
> Sorry sorry.

"I'm leaving tomorrow. The shooting starts in a few days and I have appointments before.'

Matt barely heard what Alex said and he didn't even reply. He was lost in his script, trying to remember his lines for the following day. They were still late in the shooting after his accident and he had more work than ever.

"Matt?"

He raised his head and she was there, standing in front of him with that look again. Like he's a perfect stranger she was forced to live with. A stranger with the face of the man she loved.

"Yes, right," he simply replied because what else could he say? He had lines to learn and no time for discussing her schedule.

She sighed.

"If you want me to I can delay my flight a few days and fly at the last moment."

"No." The word was said hastily, too quickly and Alex sighed deeper.

Matt knew he shouldn't act like that, she was only trying to help. But these past few days it had grown almost unbearable. They were like wild animals trapped in the same cage, ready to explode. He worked hard for days and when he was back Alex was there, speaking to him about old memories in the hope he could remember. But he didn't, and the more she tried the more hurt she looked. Like it didn't hurt _him_ not to be able to remember a single thing. At the end they just stayed in silence with this tension between them, bigger and bigger every day. They hadn’t had a real discussion since that night in the kitchen a few days ago. Like he said, they had become strangers, except they were hurting each other with the memories of an intimacy he couldn't even remember.

To be honest, he was even relieved she was leaving, flying to America for this NCIS episode. At least he wouldn't have to face her questions and her tearful eyes everyday.

"Matt..."

"And what are you going to do, if you stay a few more days?" he asked, anger in his voice he couldn't hide. "Wander in this empty flat all day long, and then harass me with all your questions when I'm back home?"

"I'm not _harassing_ you!" she blurted out in shock.

"Every single day you ask about those memories again and again and again and no, I'm sorry, but I can't remember a bloody thing! Stop acting like it was my fault." He felt the anger, burning into his veins and forcing its way out. He knew it wasn't all against Alex, but also against himself, for being so clumsy he tripped on his own feet, and for the fate which kept all this past life away from him. And he knew he was rude to shout at her like this, but now that he had started, he couldn’t stop himself.

"It's like you're not even trying to remember!" Alex let out. "I'm asking you every day because if I don't you wouldn't even make the effort to try. I'm trying to help you, for your own good, don't you understand?"

"Maybe I don't need your fucking help."

"And then what? You would keep on without remembering a single thing?” She paused, letting her own anger grow. “Or maybe you don't want to remember, is that it?"

"Yes, you're right." He laid down his script and looked directly at her. The pain was too much and the words were too easy to say. "Maybe you're right, I don't want to remember." She blinked at him, more pain in her eyes than ever, and he couldn't stand, couldn't bear that vision of her anymore. "You're sad and annoying and wandering in this flat like a ghost, scolding me for every single thing, how could I want to remember you if you’re always as pathetic at that?"

He didn’t think as he talked. He knew he would regret the words when he was calmer, but it was too late: they were out and already impacting his life.

Alex was looking at him with wide eyes, mouth open in surprise, her whole body trembling.

"Oh my god," she breathed out after a while, "is it what you think? That I'm annoying and _pathetic_?"

He didn't reply, but his silence was enough of an answer for her.

"Okay, right," she said, gulping as she turned and walked away. "I won't annoy you any longer."

She disappeared in direction of her room and he huffed. He tried to focus back on his script but he was too angry to understand a single word he was reading, least to remember them.

Ten minutes later Alex was back into the room, huge suitcase in hand. She aimed for the door and he frowned.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think?" She flashed angry eyes at him. "Bloody leaving."

"Your flight leaves tomorrow."

"I know!" She almost shouted the words at him. "But I can't stay here a day more. Not after..." She didn’t finish her sentence but he knew. _Not after what you said_ , he completed.

"Where will you stay?"

"It's none of your business. Go back to your script. I'll leave you alone and stop annoying you, just like you wish, don't ask me more."

"Alex!" he tried to protest, but still too angry to think about something else to say but her name. He didn't have to find arguments though, because the next second the door slammed. She was gone.

And he found himself completely alone.

She ran away, never looking back as she walked down their building and onto the street. She thought for a minute that maybe Matt would try to follow her, to stop her. Maybe he would phone and say he was sorry, and that she had to come back. But he didn’t, and she was almost glad of it, because she wasn’t in the state to listen to him. What he had said… It was too much. Right now, she didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to think about him.

She hailed a cab passing by and fortunately the driver stopped immediately. She rushed inside, and gave the name of the first hotel she was thinking about. She used to stay in the place when she was filming for Who, before she and Matt were together and rented this common flat. They knew her, and they would give her a room without asking questions about why she was asking for one. They were discreet, the place quiet and charming, everything she needed right now.

She tried to act perfectly normal as she entered the hotel, the only sign showing the storm roaring inside of her the trembling of her hands. It had started during the argument and now they refused to stop. But she smiled at the concierge and thanked him brightly, managing to keep the tone of her voice normal whereas inside she was screaming and shouting against the world.

The moment her door was closed and she found herself alone in her room, it was like something snapped inside of her. She looked at her suitcase in the corner, the lonely bed she would be sleeping in smirking at her, and she couldn’t hold it anymore. The trembling of her hands spread to her whole body, and she backed against the door for support.

She hadn’t cried. When she had heard the horrible words he had said, while she had packed her last things in her suitcase, when she had run away and far away from him, she hadn’t allowed a single tear to fall, holding to her anger instead. But now she was alone, facing the consequences of what had happened, and she hadn’t the strength to hold the tears anymore.

The first drops rolled on her cheeks, soft and soothing. But more followed and she couldn’t control them, falling more quickly and reaching deeper inside of her, pain coming out with them until she found herself shaking and sobbing, rasping in breath as she tried not to suffocate. Everything was coming back to her. The last weeks, the long hours spent trying to make him remember, to make him come back. And the previous weeks, all the little cracks in their story. The other arguments, the other words he had said, the words _she_ had also said, and regretted. There had been so many things against them, from the start, and at the end it seemed they were winning.

She almost wished she could be as him and only remember the good times when nothing was wrong between them because there _was_ nothing between them, just a little flirtation between costars. Nothing more. Oh yes, right now, as the tears fell again and again from her eyes, her heart ripped apart, she understood why he didn’t want to remember. She didn’t want to remember either. If she could choose, she would forget everything, and especially the pain.

She didn’t realise she was already forgetting. Focusing only on the bad, on her doubts and the difficulties, she didn’t think about all the good things, the sweetness and the love, the laughter and the tenderness. Everything she wanted to find back, everything that made the whole argument so painful - everything that was worth fighting for. Their story wasn’t only misery, but right then she wasn’t able to realise it.

So she cried and cried again, cried until she was too exhausted. She forced herself to leave the floor she had somehow sunk onto, reaching for the bed. There she lay, eyes wide open in the night, too tired to sleep, too sad to cry.

So, this was it, she thought. After all they had been through, they had finally reached it.

The end.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!!!  
> (this chapter isn't really better than the previous one, I'm afraid. This isn't the best Christmas present, I realise. I'll try to do better next year!)

The next morning, Matt woke up early in the morning, as always. He took a quick shower and got ready for work, as always. But there was no one else when he got into the kitchen. No water boiling for tea or coffee warming up. No sweet left for his day. No question about how he was feeling, and about what he could remember. No tired and guilty looks. No unspoken words hung in the air.

He had refused to think about what happened the day before, the argument with Alex and her sudden departure. He had focused on his lines to learn and his work to do. He had tried to sleep, refusing to let any feeling overwhelm him.

But now he was alone in this too big kitchen, his only memories tension and arguments, and he realised that somehow it had been the best thing. What future did they have, Alex and him? She was fighting for him to remember a past he was still unaware of, and the only memories he had with her was of pain and disagreement. Their flat itself was full of their failures, and he still didn’t feel at home here. With Alex gone, it was clearer than ever.

 He knew that, before she would be back from America, he would have left the place.

x.

The next morning, Alex managed to drag herself out of bed despite her desire to do nothing but hide under the covers until the pain stopped. But she also knew she couldn’t stop her whole life because of a heartbreak. She had been through it before, she could do it again. Her heart didn’t want to, but she had learnt to stop listening to it, and to do what she had to instead.

So she got out of bed. She managed to reach the bathroom and to take a shower, but avoided her reflection in the mirror; she didn’t need to see it to know her face was red with the lack of sleep and the endless tears, rings under her eyes and more wrinkles than ever. She didn’t bother with make up either, deciding for big dark glasses instead. They would hide enough for now. She then chose a simple pair of jeans and a too large sweat - the hood would complete her attempt to hide her state.

As ready as she could be today, she called for a taxi and checked out.

A few hours later she was on her plane, flying to the other side of the world and refusing to look back.

x.

It had been a long day at work, and Matt was wishing for nothing but to come back home to take a good shower and have a long night sleep. He had stopped in his trailer, taking out his Doctor’s outfit to change into his everyday clothes; it was while grabbing his coat that he heard his phone ringing. He frowned as a number he didn’t know flashed in, deciding to ignore it. If it was important, whoever this was would leave a message. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right now.

He was about to put his phone back in his pocket and definitely leave when the phone rang again. It wasn’t the same number, but another one, still from someone he didn’t know. Something about it made him uneasy, and he waited for the answering machine to take the call to take a closer look at his screen.

He had thirty-two missed calls, all in the last hour. And more texts that he could count.

He ignored the vocal messages and scrolled through his texts instead. Lots of them were questions about him and Alex, _private_ questions, and he wondered how the journalists already knew. She hadn’t been gone for 24 hours yet, but they seemed to know something had happened.

A few seconds and he finally found what he was looking for. There was a photo of Alex, taken the day before, when she had left after their argument. And a photo of her in the morning, leaving at the airport, alone, her cheeks red and it wasn’t difficult to understand she had been crying. Of course, the link had been made and the rumour of their break up must have already spread across the whole United Kingdom.

x.

Hours later Alex landed in L.A., exhausted by the flight and the emotional chaos in her heart. She was wishing nothing but to drive straight to her home, make herself some tea and forget the world. She would call Salome before that, as soon as she could, to let her know she had arrived, and to hear at least the voice of someone she loved and still loved her back. She briefly wondered if she should call Matt too, but she quickly shook the idea off; she wouldn’t be the pathetic Alex anymore, begging for his forgiveness and love. She wouldn’t be the one fighting for things to get better, not anymore, not when she had been the one fighting alone this all time.

She was quickly walking to get her luggage and leave the airport, when it suddenly struck her. She wasn’t sure at the first sight, her vision a bit blurry by the tears and the tiredness. She almost didn’t stop, already blinking thought it and ready to keep on her way, but she felt like someone whispering her name and pointing in her direction. She stopped, turned back and looked closer.

It was her. Behind the glass window, first page of the magazine. It was a picture of her leaving her flat two nights ago, obvious anger and sadness on her face, the picture headed with words that made her want to throw up on the whole thing.

She cursed, rushing inside the shop to buy a copy. There were more photos of her inside, alone at the airport - her glasses didn’t hide much of what had happened. But she hadn’t thought at the time, she had only tried to hide from the public, and she had never realised that the press would be there. She hadn’t realised they had been in front of her apartment, and she hadn’t thought to check at the airport.

And now the whole story was printed in the front page, with a double page article inside. Since Matt and she had become a couple, there had been lots of papers about them, but she had never paid attention to them. What people could think, it had never mattered - she had enough insecurities by herself to read about what a cougar she was or god knew what else those rags could print. But it was different this time. They were not only speculating things - something _was_ happening between Matt and her, and she didn’t need them to get in between when she wasn’t even sure herself _what_ was happening exactly.

Had they really broken up? Was it a pause? Did they have any hope left? It would depend on what he said the next time he talked to her, she guessed. If he ever talked to her again… She wasn’t even sure _she_ wanted to talk to him. Not that him. He wasn’t the Matt she knew anymore, and she was afraid she would never have him again. And if she never had him again...

She fought the tears that were forming in her eyes again, screwing the paper up and leaving it in the closest bin.

_tbc_


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this is Christmas, here is a second one!

When Matt arrived on set, two days after Alex’s departure, and not even 24 hours after the pictures had been released on the papers (and all over the Internet), he could feel everybody knew. Of course nobody said anything, not to him at least, even if he could hear a few whisperings behind his back. The most obvious clue though was the way people were looking at him, or obviously not looking at him, turning their head each time they realised he was looking back.

He thought he could deal with whisperings, he had been living around gossips and rumours and other people’s opinion since he was working on Who. But this time it was different, because the issue wasn’t his performance on the show, but his private life. He guessed he had had to deal with that kind once, when he and Alex became publicly a couple, but he had no memory of it. So now, for him it was a first, and he hoped it would be the last time.

By chance, a few minutes was almost all it took for everything to fall back into place. Everybody had something better to do than talking about his life, and soon everything fell like the most usual day on set. Matt felt himself breathe at a more peaceful pace as he started working, losing himself into his job and into the Doctor’s mind. It was the easiest way to forget what was happening outside the set, and he gladly took the chance.

However he couldn’t fight his own thoughts all the time, and during one of his breaks he found himself thinking about the recent events, again, unable to decide what to do and what he was supposed to tell Alex.

“I’m sorry.” A voice broke his thoughts and he jumped.

“What?” He looked back and Jenna approached, sitting next to him.

“I’m sorry,” she said again, and she didn’t have to precise, he exactly knew what she was feeling sorry for. “I know it’s not my business,” she continued fidgeting with the script in her hands, “and that we haven’t known each other for long but I can see you. How what’s happening is affecting you. And I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. But it’s my fault,” he sighed, knowing none of this would have happened if he could have controlled his own frustration and anger towards the situation, and if he hadn’t been stupid and knocked his head in the first place.

“Of course it’s not,” Jenna replied to his surprise, his voice sincere and he knew she didn’t tell him only to reassure him but that she was truly believing her words.

“It is,” he confessed to her with a sigh. “What they’re saying is true, I’ve been a complete jerk with her, you know, and I… I can’t help it.”

“And it’s not your fault,” she insisted. “I can understand, it must be so frustrating to have people always talking to you about a past you don’t remember.”

“Yes, a bit,” he whispered

“It would drive me crazy.”

He couldn’t help but smile at her. She was right, they hadn’t been working together for a long time, and of course she wasn’t Karen or Arthur, but there was something easy about talking with Jenna, something relaxing. And apparently she had learnt to understand him very quickly.

“I don’t want to sound like I have the solution, right, and as I said it’s not my business, but…”

“But?”

“I don’t know. Of course, your memories are gone, but it shouldn’t rule your present and your future. Your past’s disappeared, but what hasn’t happened yet is still up to you. And to Alex, of course. I have only met her once or twice, but I’ve seen the way she looked at you, and the way you looked at her, how you sounded when you talked about her… She loved you, and you loved her, you shouldn’t let a knock on your head changed that.”

There was a sincerity in her voice that almost moved Matt. For a few seconds he wanted to believe her, that everything was as easy as she said. But it wasn’t, not really. He still couldn’t remember those feelings, and that was something he couldn’t erase, could he? He also felt like what he did the other night, he would never be able to fix it.

“I wish you could be right,” he admitted, and Jenna wrapped her arms around him in a comforting embrace. He accepted the hug gladly.

He came back to the flat on the same evening, Jenna’s words still ringing into his ears. She had good arguments, he had to admit, but he wasn’t sure they were enough in his case - in their case. Alex was implied too, and he couldn’t deal with the situation without thinking about her.

Before, he must have a painful phone call to make. There were still those papers and those pictures about her in the whole country, and he should try and talk to her about that. He should apologise. But he still had no idea what he would say to her, and he had no idea how she would react. He wasn’t sure he would be able to keep calm, and was afraid he would let something stupid slip out of his mouth again if he didn’t clearly think about it before talking to her.

Right now though, he didn’t want to think about it, only wishing for a bit of food and a good shower. He ordered takeaway, and rushed into the bathroom. He found himself wishing that the solution to his other issues was as simple as running water over them. He sighed under the hot spray of the shower, forcing himself to think about something else.

A few minutes later he was all clean, and tiptoed into Alex’s room with just a towel wrapped around his middle. His things were still in the common cupboard, and he still had to enter the intimate room to change and choose new clothes. He thought that maybe it would be the time to clean the place, move all his things into the spare room - or more probably to find a place of his own and move out. Alex was gone, certainly angry with him, their story close to an end (if it wasn’t over already), and it was surely better if he simply accepted the fact and acted in consequence.

He didn’t watch as he rummaged through the clothes, finding a shirt and pulling at it from its place in the middle of the pile. He barely realised he was pulling something else with it and he didn’t even see when it fell as he freed the shirt, only registered when he felt something hitting his feet. He frowned, looking down…

And Matt’s heart stopped.

He bent on his knees, letting the shirt drop as he reached for the object which had just escaped the cupboard. He couldn’t believe it at first, thinking his eyes were playing him a trick. But when he finally touched the little box, red velvet soft against his fingers, he knew he hadn’t imagined it. Blood pounded into his veins and his breath got shorter as he opened the box, already knowing what he would find inside.

He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply.

Inside the box was shining a ring. A simple, fine silver ring with a single stone upon it that he thought was a diamond, or something as precious at that. It wasn’t large, too short for his own finger but he knew instantly that it was the perfect size for Alex’s. And as he turned the ring into his own hands, he could see the initials engraved inside of it, his and hers.

He kept looking at it for long minutes, letting the fact sink into his mind. He had a ring hidden inside his cupboard.

An engagement ring.

Before his accident, he had thought about proposing to Alex.

The information alone put a complete different perspective to the situation.

What was he supposed to do now?

_tcb_


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I hope you all spent a good Christmas! Thanks for the comments on the previous chapter, it was a perfect present for me ;)  
> Here is next chapter! It's one of the first I wrote and I think I've read and edited it so many times I almost know it by heart. I hope you're gonna like it as much as I do.

It was a few days after she’d landed in L.A., and Alex felt like it had been an eternity. She had managed to work, going to the read-through and starting to rehearse the few scenes she would be in this N.C.I.S. episode. She hadn’t been very efficient though, her mind still occupied by what had happened before she left the U.K.. Her conversation with Matt kept haunting her, and the fact that he hadn’t called her since then wasn’t a good sign. She thought it was the end, she thought about how part of it was her fault and how she had kept pushing him and blaming him for things he wasn’t guilty for, and now she had no idea how she was supposed to make things better.

It wasn’t easy for her to concentrate, the thoughts following her on days and endless nights, but fortunately none of her co-workers said anything, all knowing (thanks to the press, obviously) the situation but discreet enough not to ask her about it. It felt good for her to be with them, to try to focus on something else even if it didn’t totally work. At home her phone had been ringing regularly those last few days, journalists (but she wasn’t sure they were worthy of the word), asking her about the scene she and Matt had made a few days ago, and if her being alone at the airport right after, obvious tears still visible on her cheeks, meant they had totally broken up. Their questions made her want to throw up, and she was almost glad she had already gone through that kind of publicity to know how to react. She wondered every now and then what it felt like for Matt. Great Britain was more curious about their love affair than America, and he must be more harassed than she was.

So she had turned off her phone, and blocked almost everybody on her mobile except family and friends. It meant that when she found herself at home today, having a day free of shooting, after Salome was gone at school and nobody else was there with her, it was all very quiet. Almost too quiet; all that silence and empty space made her want to think, and thinking would mean she would surely cry.

She had tried to learn her lines in the morning, barely managing to remember a scene but forcing herself. But around midday other thoughts were coming back into her mind, and she sighed in defeat. She tried to busy herself, making tea; she thought about eating something but she didn’t feel like she could swallow anything in her state. She carried her cup to the living room, sat on her couch, and fought the tears once more.

She was thinking about the same things again, watching her phone and fighting to know if she should be the one to call Matt, thinking about what she could tell him, when someone knocked on her door. She jumped, the visit unexpected, and sniffled - she hadn’t realised she had started crying again. Wiping her tears away she forced herself to the door, ready to send whoever was there away, when they knocked again at the door and Alex recognised the voice shouting behind the door instantly.

“Alex, it’s me! I’m sorry, I know I’m late. Tell me you’re not angry. Please?”

She opened the door and stared at her visitor in surprise. “Karen?”

“Hello, daughter.”

The girl hugged her while Alex stood there, blinking, trying to understand why her Scottish ex-costar was there.

“I’m really sorry I’m so late, I didn’t think it would take me so much time to get here. I tried to phone you but my call was blocked, you must have --” Karen stopped, finally taking in the miserable sight Alex must be.

“What are you doing here?”

“We were supposed to have lunch together today…” Karen answered. “But I supposed you’ve forgotten.”

Oh, yes, the lunch. The girls had compared their schedules before Alex left, and had agreed to meet on a day they were both available. With what had happened since then, she had totally forgotten.

“I’m sorry, Karen, I don’t. I’m not sure it’s the right moment.”

Karen frowned, reaching for Alex’s hands and squeezing them. “Alex, what’s wrong?”

Alex swallowed. “You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“It’s all over the papers.”

Karen snorted at the word. “I haven’t opened those _papers_ in a long while.”

Alex shook her head, trying to fight the tears that were once again threatening to fall. “They are not always wrong. It’s…” She tried to find the words, but she couldn’t, the pain coming back, stronger.

“Okay, right, forget the lunch,” said Karen, realising the case was probably more serious than she had thought. “We’ll order takeaway and you tell me everything.”

The girl pushed them inside, closing the door behind them. Half an hour later, they were both sitting in the living room, Alex telling Karen what had happened recently. When she finally stopped, the Scottish girl had a grave look on her face.

“What am I supposed to do, now?” Alex finally asked, as Karen remained silent.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I knew, of course, that it wasn’t easy since he forgot about you, but he never told me.” She paused, thinking for a few more seconds before she finally spoke again.

“Matt loves you, Alex. That, I know for sure. He’s been in love with you since he first laid eyes on you, and maybe he forgot pieces of your story, but I’m sure he still remembers the feeling.”

Alex sighed. Of course she remembered the happy times when she had thought Matt had loved her, she remembered that really well, but now… “I don’t know, Karen. He’s not really showing it.”

“Because he’s an idiot, that’s all.”

Alex shook her head. “He’s not an idiot. He’s been through a lot, and I haven’t been easy on him. He has all the right not to love me anymore. Even before he forgot…” She remembered the bad days too, the arguments, and once again she thought it was maybe the reason why he didn’t remember. She would have forgotten too, if she could.

“Alex…”

“We had an argument, a few days before his accident,” she blurted out, her throat tight.

“Was it…” Karen hesitated, surprised by the confession. “Did you break up?”

“No,” Alex sighed, wiping away the tears that were forming in her eyes. “No, we did not. But I thought… I pushed him, and it wasn’t right, what I told him. I…”

“It’s not your fault,” Karen cut her, reaching out and squeezing her hand. 

“But, do you think…” Alex shook her head before finally saying aloud what she’d been thinking for weeks. “Do you think it could be why he can’t remember?”

“Of course not!” Karen replied quickly. “Stop blaming yourself! He forgot because he’s Matt and he stupidly tumbled on his own feet and knocked his head. It has nothing to do with you, or your relationship with him.”

“But why --”

“Stop it,” the girl cut her up before she could finish her sentence. “This is ridiculous, please. Plus it won’t help you to think you’re the cause of this, and it won’t help him either.” Alex sighed, nodding, knowing it was easier said than done. “Right. I’ll try to talk to him, okay?”

“Thank you.”

Karen smiled, and Alex forced herself to smile back. She was grateful their friend could help, but she didn’t know how she would manage to fix the situation.

x. 

Matt was sipping a beer, not realising he was frowning in concentration. He couldn’t stop thinking, somehow confused by what had happened these previous weeks, and even more confused by what had happened the last few days. When he looked around him, at the flat, the things that were supposed to belong to him, the pictures with his face on them, no memories were coming back, and it was absolutely infuriating. But at the same time he couldn’t _not_ feel something when he looked at the place, like a part of him recognised the life he had before, even if the memories refused to come to light. And maybe that was the most frustrating, knowing the solution was close but he wasn’t able to reach it.

Everything he saw there reminded him of what he couldn’t remember, and everything he had lost recently. It drove him mad, and he wasn’t sure being angry all the time was a good way to make him relax and remember. Maybe it was for the best if he just left, took time for himself. Or maybe if he definitely left.

He had seriously thought about it, when he and Alex had had that argument a few days ago. He had considered taking his things and running away from the flat until he had forgotten everything - not only his life ‘before’ but also his life ‘after his memory loss’. He was still considering it. There was nothing he was attached to anymore in the place, only bad memories and ones he couldn’t remember.

But then, there was the ring. Unexpected, it had changed his whole perspective about what was happening. Suddenly he had caught a true glimpse of what his life could have been, a clue coming directly from him, left in a cupboard by his past self who hadn’t realised how important the object would be. It wasn’t only other people describing his life, or explaining how in love he had been, or trying to convince him how happy he had been. It was a clear, direct, explicit sign left by himself.

He had loved Alex enough to think about proposing - and he had done more than only thinking. He had already bought the ring, and knowing himself he had probably been just waiting for the right opportunity, maybe dinner and candles, or something more hippie, a picnic under the rain and flowers. Maybe just a quiet morning and whispering I love you-s. He didn’t know, a hundred possibilities flooding his mind every time he tried to think about, and now he would surely never know what the proposal could have been.

After what had happened a few days ago, he knew it was the time when he was supposed to make a decision. He should resign himself to never remembering, never getting back what he had. And maybe Alex was right, maybe he should start a new life, forget everything that had been and could have been. He wondered if he would be able to keep on with her. He had come to a point when he had almost hated Alex, everything she had said or done, hated her pain and frustration that had only reflected his own. He felt like he still was, because nothing had got better since she had left. He couldn’t help the feelings, even if he knew they were wrong, even if the ring had changed a lot of things. It made him remember he loved her - had loved her, would love her again maybe if he managed to calm down and _remember_. But how could it happen? And even if it happened, how would he be able to forget what he’d done, said, felt?

How could he get through this?

How could they?

His phone rang, breaking his trail of thoughts. For a second his heart raced, thinking that maybe it was Alex and it was the time to stop it all. But when he looked at the screen it wasn’t her name flashing but Karen’s. He felt instantly better, knowing he would be able to talk to his friend and that she would help him feel a bit better.

“Hey!”

“What happened exactly between you two?”

He groaned, closing his eyes briefly and feeling already tired by the conversation that was about to happen. “Hello to you too, Karen.”

“If you want to, yes, hello Matt,” she rushed the greeting out. “Now tell me, what happened?”

“You really want to talk about it?”

“Of course I do! I’ve just got back from Alex’s, do you know how she is?” He sighed. He didn’t need Karen to explain, he was sure he could imagine it by himself. “I’m a bit worried for you two at the moment.”

“There’s nothing you can do.”

“Is it true, what she said to me? What you said to her? That you didn’t want to remember?”

“It is.” He said, more coldly than necessary.

“Please, Matt.” She sounded calmer and it warmed him a bit. “I know you, I’m your friend. Both yours and hers. I just want to understand.”

Mat sighed once more, unable to say a word. He felt like there was nothing to say. Life had made them taken a path that didn’t lead to where they had expected it to. What could he do against it? What could Karen do?

His silence must have said more that he thought, because the next words of his friend sounded like an argument, a statement certainly supposed to be more powerful than everything else in the world: “You _loved_ her.”

“Maybe I did, but I can’t remember it.”

“And I’m sure a part of you still.”

“She’s changed, Karen.” He weighed his words, knowing that was the heart of the problem. “She’s not the Alex I knew anymore, funny and flirting who loved laughing and listening to my jokes. Now she’s worried and sad, she’s nervous and angry all the time. I can see she always expects me to say of or do something but I don’t know what, because the truth is _I can’t remember_. I can’t keep on like that.”

“You’ve changed too. You’re not the Matt she remembers, and it’s hard for her.”

“And it’s hard for me!”

“I know, this is not what I said,” she huffed in answer.

“But she didn’t think about it that way, did she? How hard it is for me. Of course I’ve changed, I can’t remember a single thing of what must be the most important change in my life for the last two years! Does she think I don’t want those memories back? That I don’t try every day to remember?”

“Bloody hell Matt, stop it.” Karen cut him, and it startled him. She didn’t seem to be worried and comprehensive anymore, just angry - and even if he was used to the Scottish character of his friend, this anger was different. More serious. “This is not what I’m talking about! She wants _you_ back, not your fucking memories.”

He stayed silent for a moment, letting the words of Karen sink in him. Deep inside of him, he knew she was right. He had been rude with Alex, impatient. He was angry because of what was happening, against himself, against fate, against the whole world, and unfortunately he had let all this anger go on her. The situation hurt her, as much as it hurt him, and he couldn’t bear seeing the pain in her eyes; it reminded him of his own pain and it was too much. He had been unfair with her, and let the situation destroy everything they had. Everything they could have had.

“I found a ring,” he finally articulated, and he could almost see Karen frowning at the other end of the line. This surely wasn’t the reply she had expected.

“A ring?”

“A ring, yes.”

She didn’t say anything for a while, and he knew she was trying to understand. “An engagement ring,” he explained then.

“An engage-- oh.” She finally understood. “But, Alex, she didn’t say…”

“I don’t think she knows. It was hidden in my things. I think… I think I wanted to propose but I didn’t have the time before, you know...”

“Matt…” It was all she found to reply, and he had to admit, there wasn’t much to say. He had destroyed everything, only because he couldn’t stop tripping on his own feet. “What are you going to do?” Karen broke his thoughts.

“I don’t know. What can I do? I’ve ruined all my chances. There’s no way I can fix this now.”

He sighed deeply. He didn’t know what their lives was like, he couldn’t remember, but he knew that he loved Alex, that he had loved her for a long time even without _being_ with her. And if he had a ring, if he wanted to marry her, there was no doubt he had thought what they had had been worth it. He had wanted to spend the rest of his days with her, he was sure of that, but he didn’t see it happening now.

“Okay, Matt you’re an idiot,”

“Thanks Karen,” he winced, but somehow it was good to hear his friend saying it aloud.

“Shut up. You’re an idiot, and so is Alex. You both love each other and that’s a thing I know for sure. There’s no reason for you not to be happy, but you have to work, and fight for it. Are you willing to fight for her?”

“Yes,” he replied, without even thinking about it and it almost surprised him.

“Alright. Then you should call her, and apologise.”

“But --”

“You both think having your memories back is the only thing preventing you from being together again, but I disagree. Screw them. Maybe you won’t remember them at all, and you can’t screw up your life and miss the woman you love only because you can’t remember a thing or two.”

“It’s more than just _a thing or two_ , Karen.”

“Does your heart still skip a beat when she enters a room you’re in? Do you still melt when she laughs?”

“I don’t --” he tries to protest, the images far from the mature and sane attitude he wanted to have

“Of course you do, moron, everybody can see it. _I_ can see it and we’re only talking on the phone.” He had nothing to reply to that. He remembered being obvious about his feelings for Alex, and that still hadn’t changed apparently.

“You still love her, that’s all that matters.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” he sighs, but Karen didn’t think it that way.

“It _is_. But you have to work a bit for it.”

“But, _how_?”

“You can’t remember. Great! Take the opportunity. Start it all over again. Woo her again, take her to dinner and to the cinema. Learn what she likes, listen to her. Spend time with her and learn to love her again. Make her fall in love with you again.”

“I’m not sure…”

“Of course, you can do it, Matt. I know you can. You did it once, you can do it again. And you will.”

He stayed silent after that. He didn’t have anything to answer. She could be right. If he wanted to be with Alex again, maybe he had to forget everything, and just take a fresh start. Do it all over like it was the first time, and for him it would be. Maybe he would manage to persuade her to try it again. If she could forgive him…

“I think you’re right. Thank you, Karen.”

“You’re welcome.”

They talked a bit after that, Matt asking her for a few pieces of advice. When he finally hung up, he was feeling a bit better. He still had a lot to do, and the first step would be to convince Alex it was a good idea to try again, but he knew, tonight was a new beginning.

 

_tbc_


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year !  
> I realise we're at the middle of the fic now, and entering my favourite chapters. Thank you all for still following this story ;)

It’d been a long day filming, and when Alex finally came back home she felt knackered. She toed off her shoes and threw her coat on the nearest chair, before heading to the kitchen. She could use a cup of tea, and then a shower and a good sleep. It was already late and she wasn’t willing to do anything but get some rest - the filming had drained all her energy out, and she wanted to make the most of it. She had barely thought about Matt today, had almost stopped hoping for a text or an email, and maybe it was the best that she was so busy and tired - if she managed to keep it that way, maybe she would be able make it until the day when it didn’t hurt so much. But for now, all she had to do was not to think about it and not to cry before she closed her eyes and sleep - not much at least.

She was sipping her tea, watching water dropping, bubbles slowly filling in the tube (she had finally decided for a bath instead of a shower, and she already felt relaxed just by the thought of it) when her phone rang. She set the tea next to the sink, rummaging through her pile of clothes for her mobile; it was still in the pocket she had left it in. She finally found it, a cry of victory on her lips dying almost immediately as she read the name flashing on the screen.

It was Matt.

Alex breathed in deeply, her brain fighting for a few seconds to decide if she should take the call, or let the phone ring and Matt leave a message. It’d been days since they had parted, days since they argued and she left, days since they had talked. A part of her wanted to reply, hear his voice, hear him apologise and say they could make it all again. But another part knew it wasn’t going to happen, and if he called her it could only mean one thing.

The phone kept ringing, insistent, violent to her ears, each ring like another stab to her heart while she stayed there, petrified. Eventually she gulped, gathering all her energy as she pressed the green button. She’d better hear it directly if he decided to end things between them (but was there still something between them? Hadn’t everything stopped the day he knocked his head and forgot her?)

“Hello?”

“Alex?” His voice sounded surprised, and she could understand why. After the long time she had made him wait, he was probably about to hang up.

“Matt.”

Long seconds of silence followed, and Alex could easily imagine him, at the other end of the line, running a hand through his hair as he breathed and tried to find his words. For a moment she wondered if he was as anxious as she was about that call and about what the words he was about to say would change between them. Something was certain, she wouldn’t be the one starting this conversation.

“Alex,” he eventually said after a long sigh, “It’s not been easy recently, with what happened. I understand it’s been hard, for you too, and what I wanted to say is… I know it’s my fault, and I’m sorry, but we can’t go on like this, and I’ve thought --”

“It’s okay,” she cut him off, unable to hear more. She could hear the trembling of her voice, the tears that threatened to fall, and she was sure he could too. “I understand. You deserve better. Someone your age. Someone you don’t share a story with, a past you can’t remember. It’s normal you want something better. Someone better.”

“What? What, stop it,” he interrupted her and she didn’t understand for a second. “This is not what I’m saying. I’m not breaking things up.”

She blinked a few times, her brain as blurry as her reflection in the mirror covered with steam. “You’re not?”

“Of course I’m not. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear.”

“You… I don’t understand,” she admitted.

“Alex, I wanted to apologise. I know I hurt you, and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. And if you could forgive me, I thought maybe we could start it all over again.”

“You want to…” she didn’t finish her sentence, afraid she was going to say something wrong again.

“I want to forget what happened those last few weeks. I’m not sure my memories will ever be back, but it was enough to lose them, I don’t want to lose _you_ because of them. So I want to take it all over again, right from the start. To woo you again, to learn what you like and you don’t, to do everything as it was the first time.” He paused, and Alex couldn’t say anything, the confession unexpected and she didn’t know if it was really happening for real, or if she had been falling asleep and was dreaming the whole thing.

“I want to fall in love with you again,” Matt added in a whisper. Alex closed her eyes. She had thought she would be crying tonight, but she had never thought it would be from joy, but there she was. Matt had just said everything she had ever wanted him to say, and more. Of course if she agreed it would mean that she gave up the idea of him remembering again, but it was nothing compared with giving up on him, wasn’t it?

“Matt, I… I don’t know what to say.” Her voice felt a bit strangled, and she didn’t know what it must sound like from his point.

“Are you okay with it?”

“Of course, of course I’m okay,” she replied hastily. “Of course, I’m just… After the last time I thought…” She gulped as she thought of their argument again, how she had run away and he hadn’t try to stop her. There had been times when he wouldn’t have let her. And what he was saying, maybe there would be other times when he wouldn’t let her either. “I thought it was over, definitively and I…”

She stopped speaking, closing her eyes as she breathed in deeply. For a moment she let the pain go away, and if there were still tears in her eyes they didn’t feel the same. Matt had just proposed a second chance, and it was more than everything she could have expected. It didn’t matter what might happen, maybe things wouldn’t turn out right, but at that moment she wanted to hope, wanted to believe they would work everything out, together.

“Alex…” Matt whispered and she opened her eyes, wiping her tears away. “I’m sorry, for what I told you then. I really am.”

She shook her head. None of it mattered now. What mattered was what was waiting for them, a new beginning, and the idea of that made her heart beat more clearly in her chest, joy that rushed into her veins, excitement that wiped away all the sleepless nights, hope that warmed her up, water that stroked her feet.

Water that stroked her feet?

“Oh, shit!” She cursed as she realised the conversation with Matt had made her totally forget what she was doing, and water was slowly going out of the tub and spreading into the room. She thought she cursed a few more times as she rushed for the tap, stopping the flow before looking for towels to wipe the floor out.

“Alex?” Matt’s worried voice came out, “are you okay?”

“I’m sorry, yes. I was running a bath and forgot it. I have water everywhere.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

She could hear Matt chuckle, and she wondered what he must be imagining. She thought it couldn’t be really far from the truth. She was kneeling in her bathroom with towels everywhere around her, totally soaked, tears still in her eyes after the fear of losing him for real, and a smile on her face after the good news he had told her… She couldn’t help but laugh too. True, deep laughter that soon turned into uncontrollable giggles, until her whole body ached and she fought to breath. It was totally out of proportion with the situation, but it felt so good to finally laugh after all the pain, she couldn’t help.

It lasted a few seconds, maybe minutes until Alex could finally stop and breathe normally again, feeling much better than she had in weeks.

“You better?” Matt finally asked her after a while and she nodded.

“Yes,” she added, realising he couldn’t see her. “I am.”

“Right. I should leave you to your bath then and rest. And maybe have a bit of sleep myself.”

“Okay.” She made a quick calculation. She hadn’t realised, too focused on their conversation, but it must be, what, 4am for him? He would be knackered on set.

“I’ll call you,” he added. “Soon. I promise.”

Alex smiled, knowing that it was probably true. And if he couldn’t, he would probably text. Or she would. She knew of course that it wouldn’t be easy, to start everything from the beginning again, forget what they had together and make something new, but she was willing to try it as hard as she could. It was worth it. They were worth it. Already the tension between them was disappearing, just thanks to their conversation, and she would fight with everything she could just for this.

“Right. Good night.”

“Good night, Alex.”

This night, for the first time in a long while, Alex didn’t fall asleep with tears in her eyes, but a bright smile on her face.

x.

Things were easier between them after that. Of course it wasn’t all back to normal, Matt still didn’t remember, and Alex couldn’t help but feel the same stinging pain each time she told him and she realised he probably didn’t know what she was talking about. But the good thing was, they were speaking to each other again, which was more than anything she could have hoped a few days before (she had promised Karen she would take her to shopping and get her the most expensive dress or pair of shoes they could find to thank her for that).

Matt texted her almost every day, sometimes asking her how her day had been, sometimes sending her pics of the set, sometimes telling her nothings like what he was eating or how he had broken a prop (again). It was like it had always been, even before they became a couple. Matt had always texted her a lot about all his life. There was a time when she could have been annoyed by this stupid habit, but now she understood it was one of his way to tell her he was attached to her and cared about her - which she hadn’t realised until he stopped, after the accident. She realised how she had missed it, and it was good to have him doing it again.

They also managed to phone each other once or twice, early in the day or very late in the night, when she was going to sleep and he had just woken her, or the contrary. They talked about nothing, everything, avoiding the past and focusing on their present instead, and the fragile future they were trying to build up. There were still awkward silences every now and then, when they were both thinking of what they should say or what they _shouldn’t_ say, but it was easier each time.

Alex realised somehow it revealed to be a good thing, at the end, that they had been separated for a while. Over there they had been hurting each other, being over each other’s back all the time, haunted by memories they didn’t even share anymore. In their flat, surrounded by the remnants of a forgotten past, they had been suffocating, hurting each other. Somehow, their argument had also been something good. It had made them think about what they wanted, what they really cared about. It had made them see what was the most important, and it wasn’t the memories. It was _them_ , and what was still in front of them if they were ready to look for it.

And so a few weeks passed by.

_tbc_


	13. Chapter 12

Matt was drumming his fingers on the wheel, checking his watch every two seconds. He had arrived at the airport almost an hour early, too nervous to stay home. Well, he wasn’t home anymore, not really. He had decided it would be best to move for a while. If he was going to take it all from the start, date Alex properly, then he couldn’t be living in the same place as her, could he? It would be cheating. And he could already imagine the embarrassing situations it would cause. So he had decided to move out and was now renting another flat in town. But he still had the keys from their common apartment, and he had the time to check everything was ready for her to be back - turned the heat on and checked there was food in the fridge.

Now he was waiting for Alex to arrive. Still twenty minutes before her plane landed, another glance to his clock told him. Maybe he could get out of the car now. At least he would be able to walk a bit; here sitting in his car he felt like an animal in cage. But he also knew that if he got out, maybe people would see him waiting and make the link with the flight coming from L.A.; if he went out too early it would give plenty of time for the paparazzi to come. It would be the first time he properly saw Alex since she left for America, and he didn’t want it to be spoiled by a crowd asking them about their private life. So he wanted to wait until the last minute, when he would be able to take her and bring her back without any issue. Maybe some people would recognise him, and of course everybody would recognise Alex (she could try to hide as best as she could, but her curls were always giving her away), but if there wasn’t any journalist around they would be able to make their way without being annoyed.

He waited a few more minutes then, and when he couldn’t fight the urge to move anymore, he finally got out of the car. He put on dark glasses, pushed the hood of his sweater over his head, and walked quickly into the November cold. He was about to reach the main gate when his phone buzzed and he stopped to check his text. Alex, of course.

_Just landed. I’m here in a minute._

He smiled and quickly answered. _Ok. I’m waiting for you._

He found her gate easily and there he waited, again, long minutes stretching out as Alex might be getting through customs, and then waiting for her luggage. He tried not to get too nervous. What they were starting now sounded like their last chance, but for him it was also the only thing he could remember and if he failed, it would be definitive.

And yet it was Alex, and if he couldn’t remember their life together he still could remember the sweet and calm woman she was, interesting, passionate, funny - all the things that made him fall in love with her, but also made him usually so comfortable in her presence. If they managed to push aside the issues they had had recently, like they had these past weeks, there were no reasons they couldn’t become friends again and, hopefully, more.

The moment she finally appeared, looking tired but a bright smile on her face, he instantly calmed down. She was radiant, and seemed so much happier than she was the last time he saw her, he knew he had made the right choice by asking her for this second chance.

He almost ran to her, beaming at her as he approached.

“Hey!”

She reached for him with her free hand, the other one dragging a huge suitcase behind her, and before he could make a move she had him in a hug, warm and strong. His surprise only lasted a second, before he wrapped his arms tightly around her and hugged her back, breathing in deeply. He could hear her do the same, and it suddenly struck him this was the closest they had been since his accident.

“Hello,” she finally murmured when they reluctantly ended their embrace. He couldn’t but keep smiling at her, barely believing she was finally there, for real, and looking like _his_ Alex again.

“You look good,” he said, reaching out to take her suitcase. “Better,” he couldn’t help but add, wondering briefly if it was a mistake. But Alex didn’t seem to mind, looking back at him carefully before replying. “So do you.”

She didn’t comment more, and he didn’t either, both knowing what they were talking about and wishing to keep it behind them. It would be the only allusion of what happened between them.

They reached the car quickly, and Matt realised that people were looking in their direction and whispering as they passed, but nobody stopped them and, he realised, he didn’t even care if there were pictures taken.

There was no traffic in their way to the flat, and they were home quickly. All the drive was spent with casual talking, and it was only as they arrived that Matt explained what he had thought and that he was now living in another place. It didn’t seem to bother Alex, who even seemed relieved and she commented that, actually, she had thought about the same thing. He gave her the set of keys he had kept, wondering if she would ever give them back to him again.

The evening passed quickly, with a simple dinner and telly, until eventually Alex fell asleep on the sofa, knackered by her trip and the jet lag. Matt stared at her a few minutes, the way she breathed calmly, quieter than she had been in weeks. He resisted the urge to kiss her head as he pulled a duvet around her, and tiptoed carefully out of the flat.

As a second chance, it seemed to have started very well.

x.

When Alex’s alarm rang in the morning, she wanted nothing but to throw it against the nearest wall and fell back asleep. The night had been difficult. She had woken up in her sofa in the middle of the night, her neck and back aching because of the position. She had managed to drag herself into her bed, but of course once she had slid under the sheets she couldn’t find sleep again. There wasn’t anything on her mind, like there had been the last time she had been staying in the flat, all her anxiety and doubts having disappeared after seeing how well the previous evening with Matt had happened. Her body had only refused to realise it was the night and that she needed to sleep. Of course, when she had finally succeeded in closing her eyes barely there was only an hour left before she was due to wake up, and now she almost regretted she hadn’t stayed awake the whole time.

She sighed, gathering all the little courage she could find to pull the duvet away and stepped out of bed. She wandered in the flat, put the kettle on to boil - there was no way she could do anything today without a good cuppa first. She leant on the kitchen counter as the water warmed up, her mind empty of any thoughts, only trying to fight the sleep and to stay awake.

The kettle started to whistle, and she was about to stop it when her phone started ringing, startling her. She hesitated an instant between the tea and the phone before she chose the latter. She felt suddenly very awake as she rushed to the insistent mobile, almost panicking as she glanced at the clock and prayed she hadn’t got the hour of the shooting wrong. Breathless, she didn’t look at her screen before she clicked on the reply button.

“Hello?”

“Kingston!” a joyful voice answered her, and she instantly felt relieved. Her second thought was that it couldn’t be human to sound so happy and awake so early in the morning.  After years knowing Matt, she still didn’t understand how he could be so full of energy all the time, even the earliest. “I hope I don’t wake you?”

“No, Matt, you didn’t,” she replied, tucking the phone between her shoulder and ear to finally make the tea she was so desperate to have.

“Great. You had a good night?”

“Too short,” she sighed.

“I feel you.” She briefly wondered if he really did, because really she could feel the waves of his very-awake energy from where she was. “I was wondering if you’d  mind if I come and get you?” he asked then and if she didn’t know him she would think he was almost shy.

“No, of course I don’t mind. It would be lovely.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you in half an hour?”

“Alright.”

She hung up and for a few minutes she didn’t move, didn’t think, didn’t do anything but sip her tea and let the warm and strong beverage fill her muscles and mind. When she looked up again, she realised she had lost ten minutes. She left the mug in the sink and reached the bathroom, choosing clothes quickly before stepping under a hot shower.

She was barely dry and dressed when her phone rang again. It was a text this time.

_Downstairs. The car’s waiting for you :-)_

_Here in a sec._

Her curls were far from tamed and she had not enough makeup to hide the dark rings under her eyes, but she guessed for now it would have to do. She rushed out of the bathroom, putting her shoes on with one hand and grabbing a coat with another. She only had to take her purse and a few seconds after she was outside, cold rain falling on her as she rushed for Matt’s car which was fortunately only a few feet away from her building.

“Hello,” he greeted her as she sat inside and slammed the door shut, soaking the Audi’s seats as she did.

“Hello,” she replied though clattering teeth. He turned the heat up, and she smiled at him gratefully.

“Here, you’ll feel better.” He held her a steaming cup of coffee, she guessed by the smell. She felt herself warmer just by the sight of it.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she sipped the welcomed coffee.

“Have you eaten breakfast?” he asked next, watching with smug eyes as she enjoyed her drink. She was about to reply but he already reached in the back of the car for a paper bag he held to her.

“What is it?”

“Open it,” he said as he started the engine of the car and she peeked inside the bad. The smell hit her first, warm and soft and delicious. Then she realised she was holding a complete collection of French _pâtisseries_ , and her stomach grumbled at the sight.

“You’re allowed to try them”, Matt half chuckled next to her and she realised she must have stared at the pastries for a long time.

“Thank you,” she breathed out. “It’s lovely. You shouldn’t have.”

“Nonsense. But if you really want to thank me, spare a few for me. There are from a real French bakery a few feet from here, and they looked like the best things on earth.”

She smiled as she reached for a croissant, cutting it in two. She held a half to him and bit greedily in the other. The flavour hit her tongue all at once, sweet and buttery, crusty outside and soft inside, sliding into her mouth and she heard herself moan. Matt was doing more or less the same next to her, licking at his fingers to get every crumb.

“Oh my god Matt I love you, those are wonderful.”

She only realised what she was saying just a few seconds late, blushing immediately. Of course, she didn’t mean _l love you_ like a real declaration of love, more like a _thank you_ a bit more powerful than an actual _thank you_ , a manner of speaking, she hadn’t even thought about it. And it wouldn’t mean anything really if there wasn’t this past between them, this weeks of pain they had decided to erase, and it had all started very well she couldn’t make it all blow up because of a stupid word that didn’t mean what she had meant to. Could she?

She turned an anxious face to Matt, and she realised she had over-thought again. He was still smiling as he faced the road, not the least tensed by her words.

“You should try the chocolate ones, they are even better.”

Alex turned back to the bag, unable to stop the smile on her face. Maybe it would be easy, she thought. Pastries and coffees and early mornings, it wouldn’t last forever but it was a good start. He was trying to be a friend again, accepting her flirting without being afraid and running away - maybe she could do that too. And maybe it would be as the first time - pastries, coffees, early morning and flirting, and one day they would realise they were more than friends again. As she reached for another pastry and caught the way he glanced at her, she thought it was more than possible.

_tcb_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Je suis Charlie."_


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry. I have no excuse for the delay.  
> Here is the new chapter. I'll try to post the next one soon (sooner at least, I promise)

Days passed by and Matt and Alex quickly settled into a routine. Either Matt came and took her from her flat in the morning or he met her on set when their schedules were too different, always a hot cup of tea or coffee for her. They worked, most of the time not together. Even when they were in the same scenes they had to ignore each other, the Doctor unable to see River most of this particular episode. They only had a few breaks and they tried to spend them together as much as they could, even if it was just to share a cuppa or a sandwich. At night they headed back home to their flat, eating takeaway and learning lines. Matt always left after a couple of hours, wishing her goodnight.

It wasn’t as intimate as it had been between them before the accident, but it was far better than anything they had lived recently, and Alex felt like they were slowly starting to get close again. No more shouts, no more cries, no more hidden tears. The tension between them had almost totally left, and if they didn’t act like the lovers they used to be, at least they were friends again, and that thought alone was enough to make her heart lighter.

She felt like even the lover part wasn’t really far away. From her point, the feelings had never left and seeing Matt every day, tired by his work but kind, gentle, smiling – _happy_ again made her grow fonder of him every day. It was like discovering all of him again. And she could guess the same was happening to him. There were all these details: the way his voice changed when he talked to her, how his look lingered on her every now and then, how his hand would find hers sometimes. And it was how they seemed to work, at their own pace, slowly but surely, their path made of hugs and the occasional squeeze of their entwined fingers.

Alex let everything happen; trying not to think too much and to make the most of every moment they had instead. She never pushed, never pulled, accepting gladly every step Matt would make in her direction without forcing him. She knew it was her insistence that made him run away a few weeks ago, and she wouldn’t make the same mistake again. She didn’t doubt this time that everything would fall into place at the end – and if they didn’t, at least she wouldn’t have any regret, because she would have tried everything she could.

Right now she wasn’t thinking about their lives, their past or their possible future, instead trying to focus on the script she had in hands. Steven had rewritten a few scenes at the last minute, changing some lines and of course she had to know them for the next morning. Matt also had his changes to learn so they had decided to alternate, saying her lines then his, and coming back to hers to see if she could remember anything. There was Indian food scattered on the coffee table, a few inches from Matt’s feet. He was sitting on the floor with his legs up and his head cushioned against the sofa, and she didn’t know how he was able to learn anything in such an uncomfortable position. At least he was sitting still, which was a miracle knowing Matt’s endless need to move.

Alex, from her point of view felt more like sleeping than learning her part. She had slowly reclined from her sitting position to an almost lying one, a cushion supporting her head and her favourite blanket wrapped around her middle. Her eyes were closing every now and then, making the script she was reading all blurry. More than once she had to stop, not only because she couldn’t remember the lines, but also because she couldn’t make out the words in front of her. She thought she already yawned more than she had ever done in her entire life, and the strong black coffee she had earlier didn’t seem to make her more awake at all.

“Kingston?” Matt’s voice rang in her ears and she almost jumped at it. She blinked at her script before turning her head to him. “You’re falling asleep.” It wasn’t a question but a statement.

“I…” she started, ready to tell he was wrong but he frowned and she knew it was useless. “Yes, a bit,” she agreed instead.

“Ok, we’ll stop here then.” He moved his legs off the coffee table, as graciously as he could (which wasn’t so easy with his long gangly legs, but at least he didn’t send any food on the floor, which she was grateful for).

“We haven’t finished,” she protested but he tutted.

“You won’t learn anything more tonight, not in that state, and neither could I. You need to sleep.

“But the lines --”

“We’ll do fine. Or we’ll improvise something that Steven will find brilliant, it’ll be okay.”

Alex knew there was nothing to do to change his mind. He was already up on his feet, stretching before walking away to take his vest. She so wanted to sleep she didn’t need him to insist anyway.

She stirred and yawned before resting the script on the table and forcing herself to get up. Matt was already about to leave and for a moment she looked at his tired face; he still had a few minutes to drive to get to his flat and she didn’t know if it was safe. Maybe…

“Do you…” she started as she approached, wrapping her arms around herself; she should have taken the blanket with her, she was freezing. “Do you want to stay?” He looked at her in surprise and she bit her lips, wondering if it was too much to ask. “There’s still the spare room, if you want,” she added, not wanting her proposition to sound like, well, a _proposition_.

“Thank you, but it’ll be okay, I’ll go back at mine.” Matt smiled, looking nothing but sincere.

“Okay.”

She felt like yawning again, already pushing away the thought that she had asked him to stay, and longing for nothing but her bed. But Matt didn’t reach for the front door, closing the distance between them instead and wrapping her into a hug. The gesture almost surprised her. Even if they were used to it by now, it still felt like a new thing, and there was something about this hug that was different. His arms around her were warm and strong, comforting and she felt herself totally letting go. She wrapped her own hands around him as she laid his head against his torso, closing her eyes. Her breathing calmed down, long inspirations that made her whole body relax. She could fall asleep in those arms she thought, and she had not so long ago. Tonight, in this embrace, she could almost feel like nothing had changed.

Eventually Matt pulled back and her whole body seemed to protest. When she looked up he was staring at her, deeply, kindly, tenderly. His hands came to rest on her face as he leant closer and closer and she froze. She was unable to move, afraid it would break the moment; scared of what was going to happen, but scared it wouldn’t happen at all. Seconds seemed to stretch out and it was almost too much - but then his lips were on hers and she sighed.

It had been a long time since they had kissed, and it probably felt like the first time for him, but instead of the messy rush of passion she had expected, his kiss felt like his hug, quiet and kind, almost lazy. It was the kind she could wake up or fall asleep with, that made her forget everything. It was like the last few weeks had been erased and she was back with the Matt she knew, caring and loving, his lips tender, his tongue discovering her slowly. If he didn’t remember the time they had together, it was like his body still knew her and knew how to take care of her.

She wondered if he could feel it, or if everything was new for him. For her, it felt like the most normal thing in the world.

She didn’t know how long the kiss lasted before Matt pecked her lips once, twice more, and totally pulled away. He was still smiling. Alex felt her own heart beat so madly inside her chest she thought it was going to explode.

“Goodnight,” he whispered. He reached for the knob, opened the door, and before she could find anything to say he was gone.

Alex stayed still for a few seconds, before her hands came to reach her lips where his had been just a moment before. She smiled.

Matt had just kissed her.

_tbc_


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're lucky - it's a long and important chapter today.   
> I won't say more and let you discover it!

Nothing changed between them after that first kiss. Everything kept on like before, work and rehearsals and dinners home, except they were punctuated every now and then by kisses. Matt made a habit of kissing Alex when they were saying goodbye for the night, but also on other moments; stolen kisses between takes, breathless kisses in the morning, sweet kisses when she stopped talking and realised he hadn’t listened to a single word she was saying, the awe in his gaze making her heart beaten faster.

Alex was feeling like a teenager again. Matt was acting like he didn’t want anybody to realise they were getting closer again, even if nobody would care - and Alex was sure most of the staff was suspecting something already. But she found the attention cute, his secret signs of affection making her young again. When they had started dating the first time, they had to hide because they had no idea how people would react, and there were too many things at stake. Now they both knew they wouldn’t risk anything by officially dating again and it wasn’t the reason why they were hiding; it was for fun, for the thrill of a sudden touch or embrace, for the way their hearts skipped a beat when they thought they would be caught.

That was how it was, and for a while it didn’t get much further than that; quick, brief but deep kisses punctuated by breathless, passionate kisses, fingers roaming under the clothes and their bodies getting closer and closer. But it never passed the touching, Matt always reluctantly stopping their hands before they got too far. It was always difficult to resist, it’d been so long and her body was craving for his, but he said he wanted to wait for the perfect moment, that he wasn’t ready, and she could understand. He still had everything to learn, it was probably better if they didn’t rush anything.

So she took and made the most of everything he could give her for now. A kiss between takes, when nobody was looking; his arms around her as she stirred their pasta, his head in the crook of her neck, his breath on her skin making her shiver; his head on her lap as they read lines until he fell asleep, his nose nuzzling her thighs; his fingers stroking her arm as he spoke, totally oblivious of his movement.

She smiled brightly at his reflection in the mirror as he arrived in the makeup trailer this morning, a cup of tea in each hand.  Usually he would kiss her cheek too but today the hairdresser was still trying to tame her curls, rollers all around her face so he held her a cup and let himself fall in the seat next to her. She didn’t wait to take a sip of the beverage, letting the hot liquid warm her up. She moaned in delight, and Matt sent her an amused grin.

“Thank you,” Alex breathed out.

“You’re welcome.” He drank from his own cup before laying it on an empty spot on the makeup shelf. “So, do you have anything planned on Friday?”

The shooting of this episode stopped on that day. She didn’t really know how she felt about it - the role of River was exhausting, but Who was totally worth it. She had gotten attached to the show, to the crew to her character of course and to Matt. The previous times, when she had stopped filming it was always knowing she would be back, but today she had no idea. River and the Doctor were saying goodbye, and even if their story was all mixed up, this last time could really be the _last_ time, and the thought made her a bit sad. The fact things weren’t totally settled with Matt yet and the probability that they wouldn’t work together after that, was certainly not helping.

“I don’t know,” she admitted to Matt quietly, ignoring the feeling, “I’ll probably run myself a bath and sleep the whole weekend.”

“What about dinner?”

“Yes, good,” she smiled back at him, happy to spend the last day of their shooting as all their other days, “your place or mine?”

He took his time to reply, something passing on his face and she wondered what was wrong. He bent in her direction, looking into her eyes through the large mirror of the trailer, before whispering, “Restaurant.”

Alex’s eyes widened, her heart skipping a beat at the proposition. “Is it a date?” she whispered, not wanting to get thrilled before she had a confirmation.

From the corner of her eye, she watched her hairdresser stop working on her hair, stepping back to rummage in a drawer at the other end of the trailer. She mentally noted she should thank the girl later for the space she was giving them, before focusing back on Matt, able to turn her head fully now that she didn’t have to keep her head up and straight.

“It is,” he replied to her previous question.

“A date?” she said again, part of her still refusing to believe it. She saw Matt getting uneasy at her question, and she realised she must be scaring him.

“Yes, I mean, if you want to of course.”

“Yes!” She rested her hand on his, squeezing reassuringly. “Of course, yes.”

He looked at their hands then back at her. His smile was back, with a visible relief.

“I’ll pick you up at 7.30 then?”

“Okay.”

He kept smiling brightly as he stood up and walked away. He half knocked himself out on the exit door, too busy winking and waving to Alex, and she couldn’t help but laugh at it. As he disappeared, grumbling, the hairdresser came back behind Alex to finish her hair. The girl smiled as she worked, totally aware of what had just happened. Alex also realised she had been beaming for the next minutes, her joy clearly visible. She rolled her eyes at both her and the girl’s reflection, trying to be less obvious, but unable to hide her feelings.

A date.

She knew it meant they were starting to get serious again, officially, and it was probably the best pieces of news of the past weeks. How could she even try to hide how happy it made her?

x.

A few minutes after half past seven, Alex was adding a final touch of makeup when Matt rang at the door. She smiled at her reflection in her mirror and corrected the curve of her lipstick on her lips before brushing the material of her dress in search for any crease. Satisfied by what she was looking at, she turned off the light and exited the bathroom.

“Coming,” she shouted for Matt.

She breathed in deeply as she faced the front door, feeling a bit nervous despite knowing she had no reason to be. It wasn’t really a first date for her, and despite what had happened between them recently he was still Matt, and she was still Alex. Everything would be okay.

She opened the door, only to be faced with a big bouquet of flowers. Matt’s face was hiding behind it, his smile bright.

“Good evening,” he greeted her.

“Thank you, they are wonderful,” she breathed out as she accepted the flowers.

“My pleasure.” She stepped away to let him enter and he leant in as he did, kissing her cheek softly. “You are absolutely gorgeous,” he whispered against her ear, his breath on her skin making air catch in her throat. Her body was still responding to his, even after all those weeks - _especially_ after all those weeks. There wasn’t a single cell of hers that wasn’t craving for him.

She hid her thoughts behind a chuckle as she replied. “Thank you.” She was wearing a knee-length black dress that hugged her form perfectly - Matt hadn’t told her where they were going, and so she had chosen something smart but not too dressed up. She felt beautiful in it, and she was glad that Matt liked it as much as she did.

“You don’t look bad yourself,” she complimented him as she walked away and into the kitchen, looking for a vase and water. He was wearing a simple suit, grey trousers and grey jacket with a plain white shirt, nothing too much but god, she loved him in all dressed-up.

“And you haven’t seen anything yet.”

“Is it an invitation?” she flirted back as she arranged the flowers.

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?” Satisfied with them she let the flowers and turned back to face Matt waiting right behind her. She was sure her heart race quickened immediately, and she hadn’t felt better in months.

“Well, we have dinner first, and you never know what could happen. I could fall and kill myself on a knife. Or hurt myself with a spoon.”

She laughed heartedly. “Well, that would be a thing to see.”

“Oi! Not for me,” he pretended to felt outraged.

Alex laughed again, and for a while they didn’t say anything, just looking at each other.

“You know,” Alex finally whispered, reaching to brush her fingers on the lapels of his jacket, “we can skip dinner.”

“No,” Matt smiled, shaking his head. “I want to do it properly. To take you out, offer you a great dinner, impress you. I want the whole world to see how gorgeous you are now. I want you to know how serious I am about you. You deserve it.”

He took her hand in his. It was kind, what he had said, a bit romantic.

“Okay,” she agreed.

“Good. If you’re ready then?”

“Ready.”

Without letting go of her hand, he dragged her out.

x.

A few minutes later, Matt parked his car in front of an illuminated place and Alex’s heart skipped a beat or two as she recognised the restaurant. They had been here already, on a similar occasion, and it had been a great night - but there was no way Matt could remember, could he? She should see it as it was, a good sign : he was still taking their relationship as seriously as he had had the first time, if she believed how their first night there had ended. The coincidence only surprised her, and she tried to hide it as Matt appeared next to her window and opened the door of the car for her.

She took his hand and he led the way.

“It’s one of the finest place in town,” he explained. There was no need to tell him she already knew that, so she simply nodded.

A waiter welcomed them, taking their coats before leading them to their table. Matt must have insisted for a quiet one, as he had had the first time, and they found themselves in the corner of the backroom with only a few other tables. There was no seat but a half-circled bench covered with velvet and they ended sitting more side to side than facing one another.

Alex couldn’t help but lose herself staring at the other side of the room, to the place they had been sitting when they had first been here. Nothing had really changed. There were still candles on the table, flames reflecting on the crystal glasses. She clearly remembered Matt making a comment about her being beautiful. She had certainly blushed then, not accustomed to his marks of affection. She could remember how he had taken her hand too, and she could have felt how quick his heartbeat had been under his skin, almost as quick as hers. The touch of his fingers, as he had traced patterns that had made her shiver, and it had had nothing to do with the cold of the autumn.

“Alex?”

Matt’s voice made her jump, and she realised she must have been silent for a while. She tore her gaze off the spot and turned to him, finding him looking worryingly at her. He laid his menu down, and she noticed she hadn’t even picked hers yet.

"What is it?” he asked, “Is there something wrong?"

"No, sorry, I'm fine." She shook her head and smiled but it didn't seem to be enough for him.

"You sure? You look like something's bothering you."

"No, there's nothing."

"Alex. I can see it on your face." He paused and she bit her lips before he asked anxiously. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No, no," she felt bad for him suddenly, for having thought about those memories, alone, while he was there right in front of her, now, willing for her attention, doing everything he could to get her back and make out for the consequences of an accident he wasn't at all guilty of. She reached for his hand and squeezed reassuringly. "I'm sorry, Matt, I didn't want you to believe so. You're absolutely perfect. It’s just..." she took a deep breath before continuing. "We went here too, for our first date.”

“Oh.” He looked around him, then to the space she had been staring at, surely trying to imagine them over there.

“Tell me more about it,” he finally asked, and she felt relieved, barely registering it was the first time since she was back in the UK that they had talked about their life before his memory loss.

“It was perfect; _you_ were perfect. Even more nervous than now though, you almost spilled your glass of wine on your shirt - twice.”

“At least it wasn’t your dress.” She didn't reply, biting her bottom lip not to laugh and his face melt with horror. “No! I didn't?”

She couldn't hold her giggle any longer. “Don’t worry, I was wearing black too, the stain was barely visible. Plus I think it was more a way to get me out of my clothes than real clumsiness.” She winked at him and he instantly relaxed.

“Did I succeed?" He leant closer, almost whispering as he added: "Getting you out of your clothes?”

“Eventually.”

He smiled as she flirted back, visibly glad of her answer. He didn't reply anything back and for a few minutes they stayed in a comfortable silence, both getting back to their menu.

“I’m glad, you know," he said after a while, more seriously, "that you agreed.”

“To what? The date?”

“No." He shook his head. "Well, the date too, obviously. But I'm glad you granted me this second chance first.”

She took her time before she found the words to reply. “You would have done the same for me,” she admitted sincerely. “As a matter of fact, you did.” He didn’t reply, question in his eyes and she paused before explaining. “My love life hadn’t been really great before you, and when we started dating the first time, I didn’t believe it could be better. I was afraid, I think, of you and your feelings. You are young and you could have anybody you want, but you chose me and I couldn’t believe it. I was sure one day you would run away. I doubted, tried to push you away, I said and did things because of that… But you forgave me and you held on to me, no matter what. You gave me more second chances that I can count. We would have broken up a long time ago without you.”

She looked up to face Matt staring at her, and for a moment he didn’t say anything. She had no idea what he was thinking of, his face unreadable. When he finally spoke, his words were far from anything she could have guessed.

“I want to kiss you.”

He was looking at her intensely, and Alex barely realised she licked her lips in anticipation. With only a few words, he had totally changed the mood of their conversation.

“Come on then,” she invited him after the slightest hesitation.

“Not here. Not now. It’s not really the right place.” He glanced around, to the few people eating around them. It would surely be a torture to wait, but she had to agree with him.

“We should eat quickly then,” she replied and he nodded.

“We should.”

They smiled at each other knowingly, then tried to focus back on their menu.

They managed not to eat too quickly at the end, enjoying the nice food they were served and chatting easily. Despite some glances they shared and some brushing of fingers accidentally distracting them every now and then, they kept a perfect calm facade, and Alex thought it wasn’t easy. She didn’t know what Matt was thinking, but she found it more and more difficult to be so close to him, and yet still so far. She knew how his lips felt on hers, how his skin felt against hers, and after the game of kissing and teasing they had seen playing the last couple of weeks she was longing for them again, more than ever. He had wanted to wait, but tonight he was clearly wanting for more, and she wouldn’t refuse it to him.

The way back to her flat was spent in silence, anticipation running through Alex’s body and through Matt’s too if she believed the way his fingers drummed nervously against the wheel. After long minutes they eventually reached her building; she didn’t have to ask Matt to follow her inside, her intentions as clear as his. She just took his hand, enjoying the warmth of it as she dragged him towards her place, resisting her sudden urge to kiss him, or she knew they would never reach her front door.

They entered the lift and there were a few seconds while time seemed to stop. In the small and confined space, Alex thought everything could happen. She had flashes of other times when they couldn’t wait, kissing and gripping at each other’s clothes in the lift, stumbling against the walls and almost falling into the corridor once the door had opened. She gulped, her breath quickening as Matt stroked her hand reassuringly. She was sure he could guess what she was thinking about while he stared at her, his gaze sliding over her whole body and she shivered, almost feeling his touch as his eyes moved.

When the lift stopped and the doors finally opened at their floor, she rushed outside, crossing the corridor in a few steps, Matt still behind her. Her hands were slightly trembling as she grabbed her keys and fought with the lock. She thought she would never succeeded in opening the door, the simple motion incoherent as she got distracted by Matt’s free hand sliding against her thigh, his fingers burning through the material of her dress, and Matt’s mouth, pecking kisses on her neck. She closed her eyes, trying to focus, and she was about to give up and let him ravish her against the door when she finally hear a distinct click and her keys easily turned in the lock.

They next thing Alex knew, she was in her apartment and the door closed with a bang, but she didn’t care because Matt’s lips were pressed against hers and both his hands were on her body, one tangled in her hair and the other fisted in her dress, slowly dragging the material up her thighs. She gasped, clinging to him, reaching for his own clothes to pull at. This kiss had nothing in common with the ones they had recently shared, deeper, more passionate, more desperate too. She tried to look into her memories but she couldn’t find a time when they had been as eager as tonight - even their first time, even when they had been separate for weeks because of their work schedules. Matt couldn’t remember though, and for a moment she was afraid such haste would frighten him, but then his hands were tearing at her coat, trying to reach for more skin and she realised she was wrong.

They parted to breathe only a brief second before their lips sealed again, their hands exploring their bodies as tongues licked, teased and explored. Alex felt like she could cry at the sensation, to feel Matt again, touching her and kissing her like he had always used to, and right now it didn’t matter if he remembered or not. She felt like she had found him back already.

She moaned deeper at the thought, pressing closer against him and his hands moved on her back to keep her up, holding her, embracing her like his arms were the safest place on earth. But it wasn’t enough and she clung to him, tugging at his shirt and already reaching for his belt with trembling fingers. Matt hissed as her knuckles brushed against his growing erection, and he pulled back.

“God, you’re going to kill me at that pace.”

Alex giggled, stilling her hand but not moving away, keeping her fingers safely tucked under his belt. She kissed his throat, nipping it gently and he groaned.

“You know what,” he asked, his hands slowly stroking against her bum, “I’m almost starting to regret having waited so long. We should have done this a long time ago.”

She didn’t reply that, in fact, they had, instead noticing he had almost said the same words on their first time.

“You insisted,” she reminded him gently.

“Well, next time I insist on doing something stupid, or not doing it as it is, please change my mind.”

She chuckled, pressed against the skin of his throat, and for a few seconds neither of them moved, Alex simply enjoying Matt’s presence and closeness, everything she had thought she would never have again. She breathed deeply, Matt’s arms tightening around her, proof she didn’t have to worry anymore. She leant to kiss his neck but he turned his head at the last moment and caught her lips, kissing her deeply, slowly, until she hummed in satisfaction.

“I think we should take this somewhere more comfortable,” he murmured when he pulled back.

“Right.”

She reluctantly moved her hands off him and stepped back. She removed her shoes and shrugged off her coat that landed on the floor, next to Matt’s jacket, before grabbing his hand and leading him through the dark flat. She didn’t hesitate when she opened her bedroom door - _their_ bedroom again, she corrected herself, the thought sending another rush of desire through her. She glanced at Matt, and if he was intimidated he didn’t show any sign of it, entering the bedroom right behind her and closing the door after them. His hand was still in hers and if he let go of it, it was only to reach for her again.

“Can I?” he whispered as he slid his fingers under the straps of her dress.

“Please.”

He didn’t need to ask twice, reaching for the zipper at her back and she took advantage of his proximity to grab his own shirt. She quickly unbuttoned it, humming as he slid his fingers slowly, tantalizingly upon the skin of her back, taking his time to push the dress away. Once the shirt opened she moved her hands to his trousers and this time he didn’t pull back as she stroked him over the material, rocking invitingly into her palm. She rewarded him by a kiss on his jaw, then after another stroke, unfastened his belt and pushed both his trousers and boxers down in one swift motion. It seemed to make him realise they were far beyond teasing, and as she wrapped her hand around his cock, eliciting a groan from him, he finally gripped her dress and started pushing it up over her head. She reluctantly let go of him to help him remove the piece of cloth, and she barely had the time to see him throw it away before he was holding her again, a possessive hand snaked around her hips and his lips sealed with hers in a bruising kiss.

It barely took a second to her brain to respond to his kiss, and she clung to him as their tongues met, fighting with him to get his shirt off and finally felt his whole body against hers. She managed to free one of his arms as they kept kissing, stumbling in the room while he unhooked her bra. She was about to pull back just enough to let him remove the garment but then both his hands were under her bum, gripping tightly as he pushed and lifted her off the ground.

Alex couldn’t help but cry in surprise, breaking the kiss to breathe and laugh while he carried her the few steps that were still separating them from the bed.

“Matt, let go of me!” she protested for good measure, still laughing. Matt didn’t answer, smirking at her before his lips closed on her neck and he sucked there, turning her giggles into moans.

When he pulled back and looked at the mark he had left on her, he had a satisfied grin on his face that made her roll her eyes at him. But then he hit the bed, half-dropping half-throwing her on the covers, and she was surprised that he actually managed not to completely fall on her.

He looked up, quickly pecking her lips before pulling back. She settled more comfortably on the bed, removed the bra that was now hanging at her elbows, and stared at him. He was removing his shirt, his motions probably distracted by the view she was offering him, his gaze raking over her form appreciatively and she saw him swallow.

“You’re gorgeous,” he confirmed her thoughts. She slid her own eyes over his now naked body, suppressing a sigh of desire, the feeling mixed with relief to finally have him again.

“So are you.”

He smiled, crawling over her before kissing her forehead, then her mouth - but he didn’t let her melt into the kiss, almost immediately moving down her body. She hummed contentedly as he kissed past her neck and throat, certainly leaving new marks as he sucked and nipped at her skin.

When he reached her chest and started paying the same attention to her breasts, she didn’t even try to shush her moans. He explored her body, slowly, conscientiously, hands and mouths stroking, licking her until she was breathless and writhing under him. And even if Alex wished to stop him, to beg him for more and quicker, she also knew it was his first time with her and she let him take his time, discover her at his own pace. It was difficult because if his mind had forgotten everything about their two years together, surely his body hadn’t and each touch was reaching a sensitive spot of hers, making it even more and more difficult for her to resist the urge to just hold him and ravish him.

After a few minutes more of what felt like the most pleasant torture, Matt looked up, momentarily stopping his teasing, finding her flushed and breathless. He beamed at her, visibly smug of the effect he had on her and she rolled her eyes at him. “Shut up.”

“Oi, I am not the vocal one!” She smacked him on his arm. “Not that I complain.”

She was about to reply but he swallowed her next remark with a kiss. Too happy to have him close again, she didn’t even try to protest, wrapping her arms around him and pressing him closer, his whole body upon hers. She moaned into his mouth and she couldn’t help but arch under him as his erection pressed against her stomach. He mirrored her movement almost instantly, both their bodies rocking as their kiss turned an absolute mess.

It was him who broke the kiss, as flushed as she was now. He laid his forehead against hers for a moment while she continued to slide her hands upon his naked form, arms and back until she reached for his cock and he groaned.

“Condom?”

She shook her head. “We’ve been together for two years, we haven’t used any condom for a while.” Then she realised he couldn’t probably remember that, and she bit her lips, before adding. “Unless maybe you’ve been with someone since…”

“No,” he cut her out, stressing his reply with a kiss. “No, I haven’t.”

She couldn’t help but feel relieved. “Okay.”

Matt smiled at her, then shifted down her body. He delicately slid his fingers under the band of her now ruined knickers, and she raised her hips to help him remove the last piece of cloth between them. They landed somewhere on the floor with the rest.

He took his time again, his hands stroking her legs and up her thighs, his fingers barely brushing against her clit every now and then, and Alex felt her patience vanish. Another ghost of a touch and she quickly moved, sitting up and pushing Matt on his back, straddling him before he could protest - not that he looked like he wanted to. His hands immediately grabbed her hips, keeping her securely in place.

“You could have asked,” he chuckled.

“Maybe next time.”

Whatever he was about to say died in his throat as she reached for his cock. One hand on his chest for balance, she raised then slowly descended around him, gasping as he filled her, inch by inch; a few thrusts and he was deeply buried inside her.

Alex closed her eyes, stilling her movements and biting her lips at the sensation.

“You alright?” Matt asked, gently brushing a curl away from her face. She opened her eyes, smiling.

“Sure.”

She bent, kissing him softly as they started to move almost at the same time. They rocked together, gently first but soon Alex knew she needed more. She quickened the pace, her breathing shorter. Matt seemed to understand and he pushed harder into her, one of his hands reaching for her clit and pressing there. She didn’t know if it was because it had been too long or because of his long teasing earlier, or maybe both, but already she felt on the verge of release.

She closed her eyes, focusing on her sensations. She barely heard Matt encouraging her, whispering how gorgeous and amazing she was. A few more thrusts and she felt the familiar warmth into her belly growing, reaching every cell of her body until it burst. She cried and trembled as she came, both hands gripping Matt’s arms for support as the wonderful feeling rolled wave after wave and she felt like she would drown into it.

She was starting to gain control of herself again when she realised Matt’s grip tightened against her, and before she could guess what he was doing he had flipped them over, and she found herself lying on her back. She blinked, her mind blurry but Matt barely gave her the time to breathe before he started to thrust into her. Her body was still sensitive after her orgasm and she gasped. Her hands slid upon his back, nails digging into his skin. All the sensations seemed to be amplified and if she knew he was close, she realised at that pace he would certainly take her with him again.

She tried to say so to him, but all that escaped her mouth was a strangled noise. It seemed to have the desired effect through, Matt adjusting the angle of his hips just so, until he was hitting that spot inside her, again and again. Alex felt herself coming again just as he cried her name, his movements losing their rhythm. She thought she might have said something too, but if she did it was too incoherent for her to know.

They rocked through their orgasm together, until both of them stopped still. Matt’s head against Alex’s neck, he kissed her gently there, along her throat and down her collar bone, then back on her throat and jaw. She hummed softly, her hands stroking his back slowly, and they didn’t do much but soft touching and light kisses as their breathing went back to normal.

Eventually Matt moved out of her and they shimmied under the covers, lying close to each other. They didn’t say anything, and Alex thought Matt had fallen asleep when suddenly he moved, head on his hand as he looked down at her.

“So,” he asked, “was this first time better that our _first_ first time?”

She chuckled at his unexpected question. “You were perfect both times,” she reassured him. He frowned.

“It’s not really what I’ve asked you.”

She raised a brow at him playfully. “You’re not jealous of yourself, are you?”

“What? No! Of course not.”

“Oh my, yes you are. I can see it.” She laughed as he pulled a face at her.

“Alex!”

“It’s okay, darling, I still love you.”

She didn’t think as she spoke, and for a brief second after she thought that maybe it was too much, too soon for him. But Matt didn’t pick up, kissing her instead.

“You’re lucky you’re you.”

He kissed her again, then she forgot everything as his hands were back on her skin. As he made love to her again, and later as they fell asleep, still wrapped around each other, Alex realised that it didn’t really matter if Matt couldn’t remember, if his memories never came back. Maybe it was her time to forget instead, her anger and doubts, to make peace with herself and their story. They had another chance and they should make the most of it. What they had tonight was more important than any forgotten memories.

A new beginning.

 

_tbc_


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your wonderful comments on the previous chapter. It always means a lot to me!  
> Here is chapter 15, and with it starts what I consider to be the last part of my fic. Still a few chapters left though! They will slowly answer some of the questions I've been asked from the start - slowly ;) Thank you for still being there to discover them.

When Matt woke up the next morning, Alex was still fully asleep next to him. He took a moment to stare at her, then at the room around him. It still felt strange to him to be here, even if he knew it was his room too. The strangeness wasn’t as frightening as it used to be though but a reassuring feeling, because now he was a part of it and he was starting to hope he could have everything back. He couldn’t help but let the hope grow in his chest; even if his memories never came back, at least he would have Alex again, and he would fight this time to keep her with him.

The sun was slowly creeping inside the room and he waited in bed for long minutes, watching it until he eventually decided to get up. He pulled the covers back upon Alex as he did and she shifted slightly, sighing contentedly under his touch. He couldn’t help but smile, brushing his fingers softly upon her skin again. She shivered this time but didn’t move nor wake up.

He reached for his boxers and a shirt then left the room, tiptoeing in the corridor until he was sure she couldn’t hear him. He walked to the kitchen, his stomach grumbling. For a moment he thought about cooking, already thinking about pancakes or maybe omelette, but he remembered what Alex had revealed to him weeks ago. He had almost burnt the kitchen once and had been more or less forbidden to cook anything since then. Better not make the same mistake twice, that was what second chances were for, weren’t they?

He called the bakery then, remembering those pastries she had loved so much a few weeks ago, and settled for only making tea instead. He turned the kettle on and poured himself a cup when the water was hot, adding milk and sugar. Sitting in the sofa, he waited.

Long minutes after, Matt was completely awake and already feeling a bit restless. Alex was probably still sleeping and the baker would still need time to arrive. He decided on taking a shower then. He let the empty cup in the sink and left the room.

While he paced the corridor on his way to the bathroom, his gaze was suddenly caught by a door. He hesitated a few seconds, then crossed the few feet between him and the door, pushing it open to reveal the room behind it.

He stared at the spare room that had been his place for a while.

Nothing had changed in the last few weeks. The bed was like he had made it when he last had been there and a pile of his things was still in the corner. He frowned. He remembered the first time Alex had brought him home, just after he had knocked his head and forgotten everything about her. He had been the one insisting to sleep in the spare room, and it had seemed to be the best choice. But somehow this room had only separated them a bit more.

He could look at it differently now, with the curiosity he had felt at the beginning and that had slowly vanished. It was nothing but another room of the flat, a trace of his life and Alex’s mixed up. His things and her things, put together to form another story, something better than when they were apart.

“Matt?” Alex’s voice made him jump. She was standing in the doorway, looking at him - he had barely realised he had walked into the room. “You okay?”

“Yes,” he replied, and it wasn’t a lie. He had not been okay, but that was a while ago. Today he was better than he had been in weeks. He felt his life had taken the right path again, and it was the best feeling in the world. “I didn’t hear you wake up,” he said.

“I realised that.”

“I didn’t want to wake you. You should have called.” He walked to her side and wrapped his hands around her middle. She pressed against him instantly, closing her eyes as he kissed her. He hummed, letting his body relax against hers.

“Good morning,” she said when she finally pulled back.

“Good morning.”

“I missed you,” she continued, and he felt guilty for leaving her alone. She didn’t think he had gone, did she?

“I’m sorry. I was preparing breakfast.” She frowned, looking down the corridor with suspicion as if she was expecting smoke and flames to appear. “Don’t worry,” he reassured her, “I called the French bakery, they should be here soon. I only put water on to boil.”

She smiled and he couldn’t resist, pressing another kiss to her lips.

When they parted this time, Alex looked around them and seemed to realise in which room they were. She frowned, and didn’t say anything for a while. “It feels a bit strange, doesn’t it?” she finally spoke. “To know you were still sleeping here, just a few weeks ago.”

“It does,” he agreed.

“But it’s over now.” Her words were half a statement, half a question, and she was waiting anxiously for his confirmation. He smiled reassuringly.

“It is.” He kissed her, gently, just enough to feel her melt against him. She sighed, relaxed. He knew it wouldn’t be enough, that they would need time to erase the fights and arguments they had had lately. But for now, they didn’t need more. The worst was behind them.

They exited the room, hand in hand, and closed it with the silent promise to never use it again.

x.

_Her face pressed against the mattress, she lets out keening sounds of want that drive him mad. His hands are tight against her hips, coming down every now and then to caress the skin of her perfect arse, then back up to follow the shape of her waist. She’s still covered with that new corset of hers, all lace and silk, and he marvels at the sight she gives him, the underwear increasing every curve of her._

_He bent every now and then, hearing her gasp deeper as he trails his fingers up her spine and brushes her hair away to kiss her neck._

_She’s breathing his name out now, over and over again, one of her hands fisted in the sheet. Her other hand reached for his, and she dragged their entwined fingers around her hips and between her legs, pressing them against her clit and he doesn’t need much encouragement. She keeps his hand with hers as he strokes her, following him, encouraging him, and he swears. He doesn’t know how he manages not to come instantly._

_Instead, it’s only a few seconds before she’s the one sent over the edge. Her breathing is shorter than before as she tenses and comes, her inner muscles spasming around him like bliss._

_He forces himself to wait, frowning in concentration as he keeps sliding in and out of her. After her last shudder of pleasure he lets go, pounding deeper and faster a few times before he pulls out of her quickly. One, two, three strokes and he comes, white strains forming on the black lace of her lingerie and he can’t help but smile at the sight._

_“You haven’t ruined my corset?” she asks._ Again _\- the word isn’t said but he knows she’s thinking it, because he is._

_“Sorry,” he whispers. He knows she’s rolling her eyes at that, even if he still can’t see anything but her perfect back and glorious curls._

_“You’re never sorry.”_

_He smiles, because she knows him as much as he knows her. No, she’s right, he’s not sorry._

_She sits up, reaching around to untie her underwear but he pats her hands away. His own fingers start to work quickly on the lace instead, slowly freeing her of the garment; she breathes deeper each knot he undoes, except when once or twice he bends to kiss her revealed skin._

_Eventually the corset is loose and she manages to remove it completely, scanning it with frowned eyes and sighing as she spots the marks of their lovemaking._

_“I’ll buy you another one,” he apologises, pressing his torso against her back, his hands attracted to her bare skin. He caresses the skin of her stomach and she instantly arches against his touch, her head falling on his shoulder for support. For a second his vision is nothing but blonde curls, and behind, perfect breasts waiting for his touch. He can’t resist, cupping them. His fingers run against the still sensitive nubs and she hums in pleasure._

_“You’re insatiable,” she scolds him but doesn’t move away from his hands, and he takes it as an invitation for more._

_And more, he will give her._

Matt woke up with a start, his heart beating rapidly into his chest, his body fully aware of the kind of dream he was having. Alex was sleeping peacefully next to him, her breathing calm and regular. She had her back to him and he recognised the perfect shape of it, his fingers reaching tentatively for her skin, wanting nothing more than to find the feelings he’d just experienced in his dream.

Except, he realised, it didn’t feel like a dream.

He had been asleep, but the vision had been too detailed to be just a dream. He remembered everything, the softness of the sheets, the delicate touch of her lace, the music of her voice, the smell of their joined bodies, the taste of her sweat against his tongue. It could have been a creation of his mind based on their night, but he knew it wasn’t. He had been dreaming of Alex since the accident, but it had never felt like this. No.

There was no doubt.

It wasn’t a dream.

It was a _memory_.

He stayed awake almost an hour after the realisation, searching deeper into his mind, trying to find if something else had come back. But there was nothing but this moment, a few intimate minutes of his past. He knew it was nothing and that there were still two whole years of his life that were missing, but just those few images brought some hope. If he remembered a night, maybe he could remember everything else.

He wrapped his arms around Alex, keeping her close as he fell back to sleep, a smile on his face.

 

_tbc_


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't home yesterday, sorry for the delay. Here is new chapter!

In the early morning of Christmas Eve, Matt sneaked out of bed, careful not to wake Alex as he managed to tiptoe out of the room. After a quick trip by the bathroom to brush his teeth and put on some clothes, he took a piece of paper and left a note for Alex, in case she woke up while he was gone and worried.

_out. i’ll be back soon. xxx_

He knew he wouldn’t be back that soon, but if he was lucky she wouldn’t even read the note. Mentally crossing his fingers that everything went fine, he grabbed his coat and went out as quietly as possible, Alex still asleep and unaware of what he was preparing.

Half an hour later he was at the airport, sipping a coffee while he waited, scanning the screens every now and then to check everything was fine. The flight seemed to be on time and he regretted that, at seven in the morning, it was too dark outside to try and see it landing. He knew he probably wouldn’t recognise it among the dozens of planes on the runway and he certainly wouldn’t have been able to see her coming out, but at least it would have given him something to do. The only thing keeping him awake right now was the thrill of the surprise he was about to give Alex.

It had been a hell to organise, and to the last minute he wasn’t even sure he could manage it. He had thought about it only a couple of weeks ago, and after negotiating his guest coming he still had to find a plane that wasn’t completely full. Until the previous day, when he received the text confirmed she was well on the plane and ready to leave, he wasn’t completely sure he could manage it. And he knew he would only breathe more easily when he would be able to see her and bring her back home, safe.

A few minutes past the scheduled hour, the flight information changed from “on-time” to “landed”, and Matt started to walk to the announced door. He knew she would still need time to get her luggage back and pass through customs, but he didn’t want to miss her. He threw his coffee in the closest bin and bought another one to pass the time.

Eventually, some people started to come out, finding friends or family, exchanging kisses and hugs, and he scanned the crowd carefully until he found her, dark curls that couldn’t leave any doubt about her relative.

She spotted him almost as the same time as he spotted her, running in his direction and leaving the stewardess in charge of her behind while she shouted his name.

“Matty!”

He giggled as Salome jumped into his arms - or would jump if she wasn’t too big for that now, the girl looking less than the child than she had used to.

“Hey, nice to see you poppet,” he greeted her, bending a bit to allow her to hug him. “How was your flight?”

“Long,” she huffed.

“Well, you’re here now!”

The stewardess reached them at that time, and Matt smiled at her as he accepted Salome’s big suitcase. “Thank you, for looking after her. And sorry, she should have waited for you…”

“It’s okay,” the hostess replied, “she was really quiet and nice during the flight. Just try not to run away from me next time,” she aimed the last sentence for Salome, who blushed slightly.

“Sorry.”

The hostess smiled, accepting the hug Salome gave her before wishing them a good day. As soon as she was gone, Matt took the little girl’s hand, dragging her outside the airport.

“So,” he asked, “ready to surprise your mum?”

x.

He was afraid Salome would fall asleep in the car, obviously tired by her long trip, but she must be as excited as he was and kept talking the whole time, jumping in her seat. The sun had risen when they finally reached the flat, and Matt knew Alex would be awake by now.

As he opened the door of their flat, he put a finger on his mouth, indicating to Salome that she should stay quiet.

“Matt?” Alex almost immediately called.

“Back!”

“Finally! What were you doing outside so early?” Alex asked, her footsteps echoing in the flat as she approached. Salome was giggling already, hands on her mouth not to be heard.

“Getting your gift,” he replied, and he could see her rolling her eyes as he entered the living room.

“You didn’t have to, it could have waited--”

She stopped dead in her track as she realised he was carrying a suitcase that wasn’t his or hers, then she saw Salome and her face lightened up in a mix of shock and disbelief.

“Oh my god, Matt…”

“Surprise!” Salome screamed, still giggling as she ran into her mother’s arms.

“Oh my god,” Alex breathed out again, incapable it seemed of saying anything else, hugging and kissing her daughter while tears of joy ran down her face. Both the girls were laughing and Matt couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

“You, daft man!” Alex eventually told him, letting go of Salome just the time to smack him on the arm. “You could have told me.”

“Yeah, well, it was supposed to be a surprise…”

“And it was. God, Matt, how did you even manage?”

“A few phone calls and sleepless nights. Nothing that wasn’t worth it.”

“No but…” She brushed away a few tears, then kissed Salome soundly on the cheek. The little girl beamed as much as her mother. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure. I thought it would make you happy.” As he said the words, he realised it wasn’t totally the truth. The fact was that he hadn’t thought but _knew_ it was one of her great wish for this year’s celebrations; they had started planning Christmas a few weeks ago and it seemed to have triggered the memory of last year’s celebration. 

_It’s an absence that wakes him up; when he rolls on his side and reaches for the warm body expected to be next to him, he only meets the cold of sheets. He reluctantly opens his eyes and what he sees only proves his first feeling: the place next to him is empty. He listens carefully, in search for any sign of Alex, but he can’t hear anything. He calls her next and is rewarded by nothing but silence._

_He sighs. A glance at the clock informs him it’s still early in the morning, not long past eight. They can’t possibly have slept more than two or three hours, after celebrating the New Year for all night. Alex shouldn’t be up at this hours (and neither should he)._

_Groaning, he gathers his courage and aims for a shirt and a pair of boxers before leaving the warm place of his bed to try and find Alex, then persuade her to come back to bed and sleep for at least a couple of hours more._

_He rubs his hands against his arms, trying to warm himself up as he first checks the bathroom; empty. He tries the spare room, just in case, but it’s without surprise as empty as the bathroom. His next move is for the living-room, and he frowns as Alex is nowhere to be seen, neither there nor in the open kitchen. She can’t have left, can she? Not without telling him, or without leaving him a note to explain at least._

_He’s starting to worry, his brain already forming a thousand possibilities to explain her absence, when suddenly he spots her through the kitchen window. Over there, in the patio. She’s sitting on the little bench she has brought there, and is currently talking on the phone. Apart from being all pale in the cold January weather, she seems to be ok - smiling and laughing._

_Relief floods through Matt at the sight, and he can’t help but smile; that’s totally Alex to go out while it’s still freezing in the first day of the year to have a phone call. Well, while she’s there, and they’re both up now, he must as well try to warm them both. He reaches for the kettle, and puts some water to boil._

_A few minutes later he steps outside, two cups in hand and a blanket hung over his arm. Alex has stopped her conversation and she looks up to him with a smile as he holds the warm tea up to her._

_“Thank you,” she whispers, immediately sipping from her cup. Her body shivers as he lays a bit of the blanket around her, before sitting next to her and wrapping the other end around himself._

_“Better?” he asks._

_“Better.” She nods and he can’t resist kissing her smiling lips; he can taste the tea she’s just drunk, but apart from that she’s as cold as ice._

_“You are freezing,” he gently scolds, rubbing her back with a hand, the other still holding his tea, “what were you thinking about?”_

_She sighs, pressing a little more against him. “I called Salome to wish her a happy new year - it’s just midnight in L.A.. I didn’t want to wake you up so I came here.” She pauses, then looks at him with a frown. “What are you doing here anyway? Weren’t you sleeping?”_

_“I missed you. The bed was cold without you.”_

_“I’m sorry,” she murmurs guiltily. He shakes his head._

_“Don’t be. How was the poppet?”_

_“Fine. I told her you would call later to wish her a good year personally .”_

_“Of course I will.”_

_For a while they didn’t talk, sipping their tea and looking at the sun slowly rising in the horizon, the blue light of the night turning a slight shade of pink._

_“I miss her,” Alex sighs after a while and when she shivers again Matt’s not sure it’s only because of the cold._

_“I know. But you’ll be with her in a few weeks.”_

_“And then I’ll be far away from you…” Her next sigh is even deeper. He knows the situation’s not been easy for her; it’s not for him either, but he doesn’t have a daughter at the other side of the world. “I wish we could find a way to at least spend the Christmas holidays together next year.”_

_He nods, and promises to keep the idea in his mind - it would be the best gift for her._ 

A year later, as she smiled brightly at him, he realised he couldn’t have given her something better.

“You were right. Nothing can make me happier right now. I have both you and you together,” she added, looking at Salome, “and it’s certainly the best thing I’ve ever had for Christmas. Thank you.”

She kissed him, her hands warm against his cheeks as she let go of her daughter. Salome made a face next to them and turned from them as she expressed her disgust.

“Erk. I’m still here you know.”

Matt giggled against Alex’s mouth. In fact, he thought having them both here was certainly the best gift for him too.

 

_tbc_


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late again I'm sorry, you must be all hate me by now :s  
> A short chapter this week, but two more are following this weekend.  
> Thanks for still being here ;)

Days passed, and things were went perfectly fine between Matt and Alex. They spent Christmas holidays together, Salome at their side, getting used to each other again. Then it was New Year, Salome had to go and they got the most of the few days they had, just him and her. In the early January it was Alex’s turn to leave, called to America again for a few weeks for a new role. For the first time since they were together again, they were far from each other.

The separation had been clearly different from their previous one - no shouting, no argument, only kisses and whispered words of love. They had been on the front page of the papers again, but this time they had been wrapped around each other, and if they had been tears in Alex’s eyes they hadn’t been caused by the same sadness. Despite being still annoyed that journalists were tracking them, Matt had to admit they hadn’t been really discreet at the airport, and the articles had only been fair game. He even found that some of the pictures were really, well, _cute_ would be the right word, and he found himself looking at them sometimes with some fondness.

He felt like a teenager again, with Alex by his side and the love their shared. The fact that some of his memories were back only made his feelings deeper. He was starting to feel like somehow his memory loss could be a real chance : he had two sets of memories, two sets of first times to remember, twice more reasons to be in love. And if his life before this accident had been great and happy, this second time seemed to be even greater and happier.

He was only remembering some fragments for now, and there were some memories he couldn’t quite understand yet, but he knew there had been doubts, arguments, issues even before he knocked his head and forgot - not to the point he had thought about leaving Alex, but somehow this second time their relationship seemed saner, deeper, more honest. Alex seemed to be more relaxed, less anxious, so was he, and he wondered if the fact he had fallen in love with her twice was the reason why she seemed to trust him more.

He hadn’t told Alex anything yet. He didn’t want to tell her before he was sure he had all his memories back and that they wouldn’t change what they had now. They had fought so hard to build something new, to fill the blanks left by his memory loss, he didn’t want to risk everything by bringing back the old memories now.

“Matt,” she sighed one night during one of their phone calls, her voice tired with sleep.

“Yes, love?” he replied, and he could almost _hear_ the way her mouth curled into a smile at the term of endearment. Since he had been with her again, he had totally gotten rid of the _Kingston_ -s in favour of _dear_ -s, _honey_ -s and other _sweetheart_ -s. But _love_ was his favourite, if only because of the way she always reacted to it like she could barely believe it.

“I…” She paused and he could feel, even miles apart, something change in her tone. “I know it’s too late now, but I wanted to say…” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” He frowned, wondering what this was about.

“How I treated you, after your accident. You were right, to be angry with me, and to find me annoying.” He winced as she used the words he had said at the time. He was ready to interrupt her but she kept on before he could. “I thought it was my fault, you know. I thought you couldn’t remember because somehow the unconscious part of you didn’t want to, because of me. We had arguments. I was so afraid you would leave me, I thought there were too many things between us and it drove me mad; I said things to you that I shouldn’t have. When you forgot, I thought I only deserved it, like a punishment maybe.”

“Alex…”

“No, please. I want to make sure that you know, even if you never remember, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I know, I was stupid then to feel so insecure about your feelings.”

He had no idea, even with the memories that had come back to him, that she had felt so badly about their relationship. He didn’t have any trouble imagining it though, sweet and kind Alex, always feeling like she wasn’t enough. He wasn’t surprised to hear that she had thought she didn’t deserve him. But he thought _he_ was the one who didn’t deserve her, and he was the lucky one to have her back, that she accepted him a second back after he had been so awful with her.

“I’m sorry,” he replied back, his time to confess. “I was so angry at the time, against the whole world, for having forgotten - for having forgotten _you_. I had always imagined you would be the best part of my life, and I couldn’t accept I had forgotten. It was never your fault, and I should have been more careful with you.” He closed his eyes, pausing briefly, wondering if he should tell her now that part of these memories were back. He decided not to. Not now. There were still many pieces he missed, he had no memory of those arguments she was talking about. It was too early. The fact that she could admit her previous doubts to him, and the fact that he had finally managed to apologise properly, was a good sign though.

“I won’t leave you,” he declared instead, and he could hear Alex’s voice get warmer as she replied.

“I know.” There was no doubt left in her voice, and he couldn’t help but smile. As it was, his memory loss had really brought some good things.

“Great, because I’m serious about this. I love you.”

He heard Alex’s breath getting caught as he said the words, and it took him a moment to realise it was the first time he’d told her. There must have been another first time, but he didn’t remember it yet, and if he believed the way Alex reacted, this second time was almost as important as the first one. She didn’t point it out though, instead clearing her throat before answering.

“I love you too.”

 

_tbc_


	19. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, in time :) !

Their schedules were awfully busy, but when Matt happened to have a few days break he didn’t hesitate a single second, flying into L.A. only a few hours after he had removed the Doctor’s costume. They hadn’t seen each other in a couple of weeks, and he couldn’t bear being so far away from her. Alex had tried to change his mind, telling him the three days weren’t worth him flying for hours just to see her, but he had shushed her and hadn’t listened.

He arrived at the airport in the early evening, his body aching from the long trip and fatigue, but his mind more awake than ever. He hopped up and down as he waited at the awfully long line at the customs, until finally he could rush outside, hailing a taxi. He tried to stay still as the car moved, texting Alex to let her know he was close.

_On my way!!!!!!! I’ll be here soon._

He knew there were probably too many exclamation points, but they were reflecting his actual state of mind perfectly. Alex would surely laugh at them, and he couldn’t help but imagine the smile on her face and her giggle as she read.

_I’ve missed you_. He sent another text, just as his phone beeped and let him know Alex had replied.

_Ok, see you very soon then :-)_ quickly followed by _I’ve missed you too._

Half an hour later the taxi finally parked in front of Alex’s house and Matt rushed out of the car, opening the boot and grabbing his little bag before the driver could make a move. He handed him a couple of notes, sure there was a lot more than what the ride actually cost, but he didn’t care. He wished the driver a good evening and headed towards Alex’s house.

The door wasn’t locked and he pushed it open, his heart beating rapidly in anticipation as he entered the place.

“Hello?” he called as he was welcomed by a silent hall, Alex nowhere to be seen.

“I’m upstairs, darling!” he heard her shout and he beamed at the sound of her voice. He didn’t lose any time, dropping his bag in the middle of the hall after he closed the door, then shrugged off his jacket and shoes and ran upstairs.

He arrived in the corridor at the same time Alex came out of the bathroom, her bathrobe tied over her body and a towel wrapped around her hair. She looked surprised for an instant to see him already up there but then, as he ran to her and cupped her face, her lips raised in a smile. He swallowed her “Hello” with a kiss, no words enough to express the deep relief his whole mind and body were feeling as he was finally able be close to her, to touch her, to kiss her, to breathe the same air as her. 

Alex moaned into his mouth and he realised he might be doing the same, a low groan vibrating into his throat. His hands roamed over her whole body, unable to decide where to touch her first, what part of her he missed the most. She on the contrary knew very well what she was doing, pressing her form into his, closer that he thought would be possible and they stumbled at the force of their embrace.

They giggled as they hit a wall, but it didn’t stop their movements. They barely parted a second to breathe, and then their mouths met again, the kiss more passionate than ever. Matt’s hands finally seemed to make a decision, reaching first for the towel around Alex’s head and pulling it off, her wet hair cascading onto her shoulders freely. He left her mouth then, kissing along her jawline to her neck, lapping at the few drops that were lingering there as his hands now descended to her chest. He fought with the tie of her bathrobe, swearing until it finally got loose and he could push the material aside and stroke the skin beneath, breasts and stomach and thighs. He only got distracted by her own touch, her fingers wandering on his body, tugging at his shirt, belt, trousers, and when her precious hands wrapped around his already painful erection, he couldn’t help but gasp and groan.

They both stopped moving then, their breathing erratic, the sensations overwhelming after the long weeks of separation. Matt pulled back just a bit, his eyes meeting Alex’s, his desire reflected on her own face.

“Hello,” he whispered, but instead of greeting him again Alex replied with a smile and the best word he’d ever heard.

“Bedroom.”

Hours later he opened his eyes into the darkness, unable for a few seconds to remember where he was. But there was a weight upon his arms and curls tickling his chin as he tried to move, and he couldn’t help but smile at the sleeping Alex curled at his side.

A glance at the clock informed him it was two in the morning, but his jet-lagged body was starting to wake up and he doubted he would be able to fall back asleep. He brushed Alex’s hair away from his face with his free hand and tried to stir without waking her up. His stomach growled as he moved and he realised he hadn’t eaten anything since the lunch he had had on the plane. He groaned in frustration, his stomach growling even louder, enough to make Alex move. She woke up with a yawn, blinking up at him in surprise before she seemed to realise it was him.

“Hey,” she greeted him sleepily.

“Hey.” She leant up to kiss him. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you,” he apologised.

“It’s okay, darling. You seemed to be sleeping so well earlier, I didn’t have the heart to wake you for dinner.”

“Yes, sorry for that too. I didn’t mean to fall asleep so easily.”

“Don’t worry, I know what jet-lag is.”

“Yeah.” He wrapped his arms tighter around her as she pressed her whole body against him, enjoying the weight of her. “You know, that distance between us must be awful, but crossing it is totally worth it though,” he whispered, kissing her lips to stress his words.

Alex sighed, her eyes looking suddenly all seriously at him. “I wanted to tell you, about what I said earlier... That it would be ridiculous to spend so many hours in a plane just to spend your few day break here with me?” He nodded, resisting the urge to tell her what he had said then, that she was totally wrong. “Well, I didn’t really mean it, and I’m glad you didn’t listen to me.”

“So am I.” He grinned at her.

“You were so far away last year, and I don’t mean only because of the distance.” She let her words sink in, and he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty, knowing he had been the one putting the distance between them, because of his accident and the stupid way he had acted after it. “I’ve realised that the distance, this ocean that separates us every now and then, it’s nothing. You can cross it, every time you want, and I will always be glad to have you with me. I will always be waiting for you.”

_They are laying entwined after their reunion. They have been apart for many weeks, almost three months, a whole ocean between them and it’s been one of the most difficult things they have experienced in their new relationship; but they have survived it, and Matt feels like he’s breathing more easily, just by having Alex nearby._

_Alex sighs against his chest. He stops tracing patterns on her skin, worried by that sigh._

_“What’s wrong?” he asks. She sighs once more, but doesn’t say anything for a while and he thinks she doesn’t want to talk, or that maybe he misinterpreted her sigh and that she’s simply falling asleep._

_“Do you think it’s worth it?” she finally asks, and he frowns. What is she talking about?_

_“What?”_

_“That. Those months, so far away, only to meet a few days every now and then--”_

_“Not only a few days. We happen to stay months at the same place,” he corrects her._

_“Right. Sometimes a few months. Sometimes_ just _a few months. Do you think it’s really worth it?”_

_“What do you mean, is it worth it?”_

_He looks at her, surprised and a bit worried by her words. She lifts her head from his chest, but he can only see confusion on her own face._

_“I don’t know… How much time do you think we’ll be able to stand it? The ever-to-be separations, and the too-much-time-in-between reunions._ _Do you think we will really be able to survive it? One day you’ll be tired of always waiting for me, of my life between here and there, of my --”_

_“Alex,” he cuts her off before she can say more. “I’ll never be tired. I will always be waiting for you.”_

_“You can’t know for sure.”_

_He shakes his head. “I can, I know it. Of course, we are worth this wait, and I will always do everything I can so we can have our reunions, for months or even a few days. Every moment spent with you is worth it.”_

_She smiles, but her smile doesn’t totally reach her eyes. And if she says she believes him, and if she kisses him like her life depends on it, he knows that he hasn’t succeeded in convincing her. Only his actions will do, he realises._

He gulped as the memory came back to him, and he realised how much Alex had changed, finally trusting him and trusting them - their love, their relationship, and what they could go through, together. He also happily noticed how he had managed to keep his promise, still true to his words at the end - and he was willing to keep them for the rest of his life. He briefly thought of the ring still waiting somewhere in his wardrobe, and somehow he started to picture it.

“Matt?”

He was sure he’d been silent for far too long, and Alex was waiting for an answer, a sign from him that he had understood her words and realised how much it meant to her.

“Okay,” he finally replied. “You’re right, this distance is nothing. And I’ll always find a plane to get to you, whenever you want, and wherever you are. I promise you.”

He cupped her face, kissing her passionately to try and make her feel he was really believing what he said. Alex moaned, clinging to him and she shifted until she was almost entirely laying upon him. His hands mapping her form and pressing her even closer against him, he felt a well-known desire rushing into him

“Weren’t you hungry?” she broke the kiss, giggling. He shook his head.

“I still am. But food can wait, I want you.”

She laughed even more as he kissed her throat, and he knew it was right; he would cross an ocean everyday, just to hear that sound.


	20. Chapter 19 - Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, two chapters today.  
> I thought this one as a bonus. It's just a collection of memories that I had in mind, I absolutely wanted to include them in the fic but they didn't really fit elsewhere. So here it is. I hope you'll enjoy this little _potpourri_

_He slams the door and goes away without a second thought. He is patient or he tries to be most of the time, but there are days when he just can’t. Today is one of those days, when they disagreed and argued and at the end they were just yelling at each other without really knowing why. So he just slams the door and goes away, and hope it’ll be better when he’s back._

_x._

_He doesn’t fall in love with her at first sight; he’s too impressed for that. But he slowly learns to know her, as she him, and step by step they become friends. He can feel though, even at the beginning, that this friendship is not the same as the one that links him to Karen, or the one that he slowly grows with Arthur. It’s something else, different, something he doesn’t have word for._

_Then, without realising it, one day he finds himself thinking about her when she’s not there. He starts noticing the little things about her, that nobody else seems to see. He starts to cherish the little moments they share, and to wish to have more._

_There is one day when he makes a move, and she surprisingly says yes. Officially it is the day when their story begins. But he knows, he can’t put a date to when his love starts. And he knows there will never be a date to when his love ends._

_x._

_It’s moment like that when he can feel it, more than usual, a deep sensation in his stomach that makes his heart beat faster and his smile grow brighter. It’s nothing, just the way her laugh echoes into his ears or the way her eyes shine as she looks at him, how she bites her lips as she tries not to say something she thinks is stupid. It’s those little things, all those moments that remind him how he loves her, and how his life will be miserable without her._

_x._

_He comes back late at night after one of those parties when she doesn’t want to go anymore. At the beginning, she always accompanied him when she could. Now he didn’t even ask her, because he knows the answer will be no, again and again - and if once she says yes, she will be off the whole time. So now he goes alone. He even forgets to tell her sometimes - when she’s not in town he rarely says, because he knows it will only make her worry. So he goes alone, and he lies. And when he’s over there, he pretends to have fun and laugh with his friends, while in fact he is wanting nothing but to feel her by his side. And when he comes home, like tonight, it’s only to find her sighing as he finally gets into bed - her back to him, most of the time._

_x._

_“This is…”_

_“Awful.”_

_“... breathtaking.”_

_She glares at him and smacks his arms. “Matthew!”_

_“I’m sorry Kingston. I have no other way to put it.”_

_“You don’t feel_ anything _looking at it?”_

_He stares once more at the - how can he say it? They call it modern art but the only word that comes to his mind is “thing”. So he stares at the “thing” on the wall, gives it a try (only because Alex asks it; he would never give a chance to that thing if it wasn’t for her) and he really really hopes but there’s nothing he can do to be the least touched by what he’s looking at._

_“I, err…” he tries, but there’s no way he can lie. Fortunately, Alex only laughs in reply._

_“It’s okay, I appreciate you tried. Come on, what do you think about this one?”_

_He glances at the next piece of art in the gallery - are there dead animals pinned up on the wall? - and already knows the answer. But Alex’s eyes are shining, her hand is warm on his arm and her smile intoxicating, and even if he doesn’t like a single thing they see today, he wouldn’t be anywhere else._

_x._

_It’s only a few minutes before the awards start and they have to come out. A few minutes before everyone knows about them. Alex straightens his tie for the third time in a minute and he can almost feel her fingers trembling through the material._

_“Are you nervous?”_

_“Are you?” she asks back._

_“You have every right to be, you know.” She sighs but stays silent, brushing imaginary dust from his suit as she does._

_“It won’t be easy,” he continues, “Of course there will be people to chatter and rags to publish lies. But we know it and it doesn't matter. They can say what they want, we’re stronger than that.”_

_He stops her hands from fidgeting with his clothes and finally she looks up and directly into his eyes. “I love you,” he adds softly. The words seem to relax her at last and she manages a smile._

_“Thank you.” She kisses the corner of his mouth, just briefly, before wiping the mark of her lipstick with her thumb. “Let’s go then.”_

_She takes his hands and it’s together that they walk out._

_x._

_“I’m sorry,” she whispered one night, after another of their arguments._

_He isn’t even angry anymore, but something in her words and the way she looks truly sincere makes his heart break. He offers his open arms as forgiveness and she hugs him, closely, tightly, almost desperately. For long seconds they don’t move._

_“It’s okay,” he whispers. He can’t feel tears soaking his shirt but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t cry._

_“Is it? Are we?” she replies, sounding more dramatic than she should._

_“Of course we are.”_

_The truth is, he doesn’t know anymore._

_x._

_He had everything prepared for the picnic. Wicker basket filled with triangle sandwiches and cookies and strawberries, plastic plates and glasses, a bottle of champagne hidden under it all, and of course his best blanket to sit on. He had everything prepared._

_Except, maybe, the weather._

_It’s raining so much he’s completely soaked by the time he runs from his car to her door._

_She laughs as she lets him in. He apologises for the bad timing but she shakes her head as she takes the basket out of his hands and wraps him in a warm towel that smells like lavender._

_She’s pushed the furniture of her living-room aside, making enough place for her to lay the blanket. She sits down and starts emptying the basket. She fills one of the plastic glasses with water, putting a single daisy in it, and it’s like they are really outside._

_They have a picnic in her living-room, and it’s the best picnic of their lives._

_x._

_It’s the moment just before sleep, when he’s not totally conscious but not totally away either. He can feel Alex’s warm touch on his skin, her fingers tracing patterns against his abdomen, her hair tickling his torso. Nothing unusual. It feels good, it feels safe. He knows he’s in the right place, with the right person._

_Alex shifts slightly. Her hands stop moving._

_“I love you,” she whispers._

_He will never know if it’s a dream or a memory_

_tbc_


	21. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter! Thank you all for your lovely comments on the last one !

It had been a long and cold day in U.K. and Matt couldn’t believe it was almost spring already. It had snowed just a few days ago, again, and it was still freezing. Even with his coat and gloves he couldn’t help the cold wind hitting him; removing them to shoot was more and more difficult as the day went by. By the time he finally came back to the warmth of Alex’s flat, he was feeling more like an ice-cube than a real human being.

The sight of curly hair in the place warmed him up more than the actual heater. She had been back in town for a few days and he thought he would never get tired of having her with him, every day, every night.

“Hi!” she greeted him. He walked to her, and planted a kiss on her waiting lips.

“Hi.” He sighed against her mouth, her skin hot against his.

“Darling, you’re freezing!” she remarked, taking his hands between hers. “I’ll make you some tea, it’ll help you warm up.”

“Thanks.” She let go of him, aiming for the kitchen but he didn’t follow her. “I think I’m gonna take a shower. Maybe a bath. Something hot.”

“Ok.”

She flashed a smile at him, waving, and he did as he’d said.

Ten minutes later he was lying in the tub, hot water steaming around him, his cold and wet clothes abandoned on the floor. His skin felt like burning for a few seconds, but then the warmth was just perfect. He reclined a bit more, resting his head against the edge and closing his eyes…

A slight knock on the door prevented him to completely fall asleep. Alex entered, steaming cups in hands. She held one to him as she sat on the edge of the tub.

“Your tea.” She sipped into the second cup.

“Thanks.”

He sipped the drink, hot and sweet as he liked. He hummed in appreciation.

“How was your day?” Alex asked. He opened his eyes and smiled. A bath, tea, and Alex. It was enough to make him forget anything else about his day.

“Good. Better for a few minutes. You?”

She raised a brow at him, before putting her tea down on the flow. It was his turn to frown.

“Good,” she finally answered. “Better in a minute.”

He didn’t have time to ask what she meant; she started to pull off her clothes and he understood.

“And I thought it couldn’t get hotter in there,” he commented. Alex chuckled, rolling her eyes at his bad teasing but didn’t stop undressing. Matt sat up, resting his own cup on the edge of the tub as he waited.

Finally Alex was totally naked. She only took the time to tie up her hair (Matt wondered if it was really to protect it from the water, or because the movement made her stretch gorgeously and she knew the effect it had on him) before she stepped into the tub, sitting directly upon Matt, face to face, straddling him. There wasn’t lot of space but he didn’t mind, the weight of her body pleasant, the proximity more than enjoyable.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, shifting a bit, and his own fingers reached for her waist, stroking the skin there. She hummed, pressing closer to him if it was still possible.

“Yes. Better.” He nodded in agreement, his nose brushing against hers as he did. “And I feel like it’s only the start.”

She captured his lips, already rolling her hips, and he could only agree again.

x.

Later they were lying together on the sofa, cuddling while the snow started falling again outside. Alex’s wet hair was still dripping upon her bathrobe, her hairband long lost, but her body was warm and soft against his. The telly was turned on but Matt was barely looking at it, enjoying Alex’s presence and the quiet moment they were sharing.

He groaned when she stood up, cold hitting him. “I’ll come back,” she simply said, and walked away before he could reply. A short time after she was back, as promised; he moved to make room for her as she sat at one side of the sofa, crossed legs under herself. She stared at him, bit her lip, and he wondered what was wrong.

“Matt,” she stared. “I have something for you.”

His curiosity was pricked and he turned to fully face her. “Ok.”

She took a breath, her eyes scanning him intently before she finally spoke again. “I know it must be early, for you. But I think we’re more than fine together and I don’t want to lose more time than we already did. So, if you want to come back, this place is your home too.”

She laid a key on his lap and he stared at it with confusion.

_He’s made things right. Cooked dinner (even if it is nothing but pasta to boil and a sauce to warm up), put candles on the table and his best cutlery. He has taken the time to shower and he is just in time - she rings at the door the moment the timer lets him know his dinner is ready._

_“Come in,” he shouts as he reaches for the pan to remove the pasta from fire. The door opens, and he instantly feels better as Alex’s presence fills his flat._

_“Good evening,” she greets him as she approaches._

_He guesses the exact moment when she realises what he’s been doing by the way her footsteps slow down just so._

_“What is it for?” she asks as she comes by his side, pressing a kiss upon his welcoming lips._

_“It’s been a long day,” he just explains. She lets out a tired sigh that proves he’s right. “Just sit down, it’s ready.”_

_“Thank you, I’m famished!” she replies and takes a seat._

_He fills their plates with the pasta, adds the sauce and within a minute they are eating face to face. They talk about their day, and Matt tries really hard not to let Alex feel anything, but apparently fails really well as she finally sets her plate aside and crosses her arms._

_“Come on, tell me.”_

_“What?”_

_“You have something on your mind, I can tell. What is it?”_

_He smiles, amazement hiding his anxiety for a second. She knows him really well already, doesn’t she?_

_“Ok, right.” He takes a deep breath before he starts. “I know it’s maybe early, but I feel good with you and, well, we’re practically living together when you’re here already so…” He reaches into his pocket, and takes a pair of keys from it. “This one if for the front door, and that one is for the main entry. There’s also an empty drawer for you in my cupboard.”_

_He holds the keys out to him, and Alex stares at them without saying a word._

_“I mean, if you want to. If you’re not ready, or or…” he babbles but she smiles before he can find the next thing to say, and takes the keys from his hands._

_“Ok,” she replies, and he’s not sure for a second what she’s saying.”_

_“O-okay?” he repeats, feeling like an idiot as he does._

_“Yes!” She snatched the keys from him. “I’m taking the empty drawer too.”_

_He can’t believe what she’s saying. She’s seemed to be reluctant to any kind of commitment so far, and he has prepared himself for a refusal - or maybe for arguing and fighting before she accepted. Her answer is unexpected but he’s more than happy for it._

_“You’re right,” she says, “we’re practically living together already, and I want it. I want us.” She reaches for his hand, her other one still holding the keys tightly._

_“I’m glad to hear it.”_

_“And, if you want to, I’ve been thinking. We could even find a place of our own.”_

_He gapes at her, his fork dropping into his plate, sauce flying and staining his shirt. Alex laughs, genuine smile on her face and he can’t help but beam back._

_“Ok.”_

She was surprising him, again. She had always seemed so reluctant to any kind of commitment, afraid of their future as she could have been of their past, but he realised now, it wasn’t all true. She always took their relationship a step further when they needed it, making propositions he hadn’t even thought about himself. Maybe he was the scared one after all, and if she had been hesitant before, it was maybe because she had felt he wasn’t ready.

He was now.

“Ok.” He took the key and Alex face shone with happiness. “I’m almost living here anyway. And if what you said is right, we both bought this place together, so technically, it _is_ my home too.”

Alex laughed, and nodded. “Right. But after what happened the last few months, I wasn’t sure…”

“You can be.” With his free hand, he reached for her and laced their fingers together. He squeezed, and it was his turn to take a deep breath. Alex looked at him and he smiled. He was sure too. “I promise,” he finally said, “I will never leave again.”

And he believed it to be true. After all they had been through, he was more than ready to spend the rest of his life with her. This was a promise he never intended to break.   


_tbc_


	22. Chapter 21

It came back to him in a dream again, just a few days before Alex was back from America. After weeks of trying to remember, the last memory, the most important, flooded his mind during a night. It came back to him, making all seemed clearer - her doubts, his feelings, why she was afraid his memory loss wasn’t a complete accident, why she thought it was her fault at first. The last piece of their puzzle.

_“Are you cheating on me?”_

_The question comes out of the blue, so sudden and unexpected Matt almost drops the cup he has in hand._

_“What?” He looks up in disbelief. Surely he hasn’t heard correctly; Alex can’t seriously have asked him if he’s unfaithful. But apparently she has, fidgeting nervously with her teaspoon as she does everything to avoid looking into his eyes. “Of course I’m not. Alex! How can you even think I would?”_

_“You’ve been acting differently. You don’t have any patience, come home late and --”_

_“I’m_ working _,” he can’t help but shout. “And of course I’m losing my patience, I’m bloody knackered all the time.”_

_She looks up at him, finally, searching for something in his eyes but he doesn’t know what. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, torn between shock and disbelief._

_“You never take me to those parties of yours. Not anymore.”_

_“You wouldn’t come!” he splutters, half choking on his words. He can’t believe this is happening. “I asked you more than once but you never said yes, so I just stopped asking.”_

_“You come back later and later. Always smelling_ different _.”_

_“Alex!” He doesn’t have word anymore, doesn’t know what to say. What has he done wrong to make her think, and believe, he could cheat on her? He rests his cup on the kitchen table, afraid that if he keeps it he’s going to destroy it with the pressure of his hands, or slam it against a wall._

_“I understand, you know,” she finally whispers, “you want to have fun, find a nice girl of your age. I just want you to tell me if it’s the case, don’t make it ridiculous for both of us.”_

_“Is it what it is about,_ again _? Your age?” he knows he’s shouting, he knows he shouldn’t be so angry and blame her. They have had this discussion a hundred times, and he had always reassured her before, but tonight - no, he can’t believe it tonight, she’s gone too far and he can’t stay calm. “Is it so difficult to believe I want to be with you? That I’m not caring about your fucking age or past?”_

_She’s biting her lips now, tears falling quietly down her cheeks but it won’t stop him. He doesn’t think about what he’s doing anymore, anger blurring his mind. “You know what,” he finally says, huffing and turning his back to her, wanting nothing but to end this stupid conversation, “If it’s so hard for you, and if you_ truly _believe that I’m that kind of guy, and you’re that kind of girl, then you’re right. Maybe you’re old and I’m stupid, so why don’t you leave then?”_

_He can hear her gasp in shock as he takes his coat, but right now he doesn’t care. He gets out, slamming the door behind him before she can reply anything. He runs down the stairs, almost stumbling and breaking his neck in his haste - but it isn’t going to happen today, and he safely arrives to the main entry. He quickly reaches it, finally leaving the building._

_The air is cooler outside, a fresh breeze blowing and he takes a few deep breaths. He only walks a couple of steps before his mind seems to be clear again, and he stops only a few meters away from home. When he looks up he can still see the lights in his own flat -_ their _flat - and instantly all his anger vanished. He still can’t believe what happened, and he knows part of it is his fault. Part of it is hers, too, but he knew, before they started he knew she had that background and all those insecurities. He has spent all his days trying to make her understand, to make her feel he is different. Apparently it hasn’t been enough, and what she said she’s right, he’s been too busy recently to take care of her as he should have and he should have expected her to react this way._

_He sighs, running his hands into his hair nervously. What has he done? He hasn’t thought about a single word but the fact is, he said it. And what if she believed him? What if she’s currently packing her suitcase? What if she’s leaving and never comes back again?_

_He doesn’t know how much time passes before he can finally make a decision, deciding it is stupid to just stay here and worry while he should be with her, apologise and make it up to her. He takes a deep breath, already walking in the direction of their building when his phone rings. Alex’s name is shining and he feels his heart constrict at the sight._

_“Yes?” he answers, and for a few seconds he doesn’t hear anything but her sniffing and her deep breathing._

_“Matt, please, I’m sorry, come back home,” she finally says in the most plaintive way and he feels like melting down. If there’s one thing that he can’t stand, it’s Alex being hurt, even more when he is the one hurting her in the first place. “I don’t want to leave, I don’t want you to leave,” she keeps on, “Where are you, I’m coming to get you.”_

_“Don’t, I’m already --” He can’t finish his sentence, can’t even put his hand on the doorknob that the door is swinging open, Alex rushing out and almost knocking into him._   _She stares at him in surprise for what seems to be an eternity and he takes her in, her eyes red and her hair in disarray, her coat half hanging on her arm, the strain of her tears still visible against her cheeks._

_And then she’s hugging him, holding on him with such force he feels like he can’t breathe anymore. But he doesn’t have to breathe because she’s against him, saying his name again and again and he wants nothing but to be with her and stop her pain._

_“It’s okay, I’m here.”_

_He reassuringly stokes her back and hair and arm and everything he can reach while she cries against his shirt. Slowly he closes the door and pulls them inside their flat -_ home _._

_“I love you,” she finally blurts out when her tears subside and he can’t help but smile._

_“I love you too. Of course I do,” he says. “You, daft woman, how could you think I didn’t?”_

_She smiles as she looks up, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I promise I will never doubt again.”_

_The next day, he decides to take his commitment a step further, to prove her he loves her more than he could ever tell her, even with her doubt and insecurity. For him, his choice is made, has been made for weeks, months, years. She is the love of his life._

_He runs to the closest jewellers, and buys her the ring._

He knew now that he never had the chance to give it to her, because only a few days after he had bought it he had knocked his head and forgotten everything about it. And he understood now why she had been so insecure and had felt so guilty about it. She had felt like part of his memory loss was her fault; that he had forgotten her because he didn’t want to be with her. And the way he reacted probably didn’t help.

Fortunately they had managed to make it work again, despite everything that was against them. They had fought, and won, and when he thought about her now he could see her smile and almost shine with happiness, and somehow she looked better than she had before his accident. Their relationship had been worse, at the beginning, but it had made them start everything again, offered them a second chance and they had made the most of it.

Matt thought it was maybe time to link both parts of their lives again.

_tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after all this time we're reaching the end... I'll post the last chapter tomorrow. Thank you all for reading along!


	23. Chapter 22

It was a cold and cloudy day of April, spring totally forgotten as the rain fell endlessly and the wind blew for hours, one of those days when the only thing you wanted to do was to stay in bed, or curl up on your sofa with a good book to read and soft music to listen to. This had been their day so far: cuddling in bed, drinking hot tea, reading scripts close to each other. They glanced out the window every now and then, each time glad that they were home instead of freezing outside in the blizzard.

It had been that kind of day, a bit lazy and nostalgic, but Alex felt like there was something else. Matt had seemed to be elsewhere all day long. Not listening to anything she said, not paying attention to anything he did (which meant now they would be buying new tea mugs because he broke a couple of them just for his breakfast), and she knew there was something bothering him. She hadn’t said anything, knowing he would end up talking to her - he always did, and the fact that he had forgotten a few of their years together couldn’t change that - except now the day was almost over and he hadn’t said anything. He wasn’t even reading his script anymore, and he had been fidgeting with the corner of the same page for hours.

She pulled her own script back onto her knees, and sighed before she decided she had to ask.

“Tell me.”

He lifted his head to her with that look on his face, like she had to get him out of a deep dream.

“What?”

“Clearly you have something on your mind, and it’s bothering you. So tell me. I’m sure it’ll help.”

He smiled and his feature seemed to relax. “You always know, don’t you?”

She smiled back teasingly. “Of course I do. Now tell me. What’s going on?”

He looked away from her, and out by the window. He seemed to get lost in the contemplation of the falling rain, and Alex started to think he would never answer, when he finally spoke again.

“I might have told Steven I was thinking of quitting Who.”

For a few seconds Alex didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to think. Of course she knew he would never stay for ever. She knew it’d been a bit more difficult recently, that he’d been tired, that his accident a few months ago had changed a lot. But she didn’t know he was really _thinking_ about it, to the point of even telling Steven. He was really attached to the Doctor, and the fans, and the job, and she had thought it would make him want to stay for a bit longer, a season or two.

"You were right,” Matt started to explain. “I spend all my time working; we could barely see each other every day when you were on set with me, and it's even worse when you're not. I want to spend more time with you."

"I'm not even here all the time. I have work in LA, and who knows where else, it won't change, we can't --"

"It will be easier. I won't be due on the same show ten months a year. I will be able to follow you. Plan my shootings to be with you."

"Matt, I’d never ask you to-" she protested. He couldn't make a decision thinking only about her. Of course she would be glad to have him more often, and it's very tempting to think about a life with the two of them together, for real. But had he really thought about it? What it meant for him to quit Who?

"I know you wouldn’t. But I promised."

She didn't understand for a few seconds, didn't remember when he had promised such a thing. Matt must realise it and he took both her hands in his, taking a deep breath before he spoke again.

"Alex, I remember."

She frowned, and he gulped, looking at their entwined fingers.

"Before... before I fell and forgot,” he continued. “You remember this argument we had? And I promised you things would change. I hurt you that night, and I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I made the decision then, to spend more time with you, to look after you. And I'm sorry because then I forgot and I hurt you even more than I thought would be possible. I don't ever want that again." He kept rambling but she didn't hear the last sentences. He was giving her too much information at the same time, and it needed time for her brain to catch up. She needed time to realise it was true, and he was really saying what he was saying.

"You... you remember?" she cut him off with a trembling voice. He nodded, smiling reassuringly. "Everything?" He nodded again and her last doubts disappeared. Instead she was filled with joy, and almost at the same time, with apprehension. "How? When? Why haven't you told me anything?" she blurted out, unable to make correct sentences.

"A few weeks. I don't know how, memories just... came back to me." He stroked her knuckles with his thumb and she knew there was more.

"Why haven't you told me?" she whispered again encouragingly. He looked up at her and smiled.

"I didn’t want to disappoint you at first, because I didn’t know if I would remember everything. And then remembered our arguments. Doubts. Bitterness. We are so much better now, I thought maybe it wouldn't be a good thing to talk about bad times. And then I realised... they are part of what we are now and I can't ignore them."

Alex nodded. She could remember when he had forgotten everything, she had thought maybe it was because he didn't want to. Because what they had before was bad, and bound to disappear. But then they had moved on, learnt from their mistakes - she had, and from what he had said, he had too. "We've been through a lot," she agreed.

"I almost lost you. And I don't want to live that again."

She smiled, squeezing his hands. "You won't."

His face brightened with a large smile and she couldn't resist but beam back at him. She could feel her brain slowly taking in the idea of what had just happened. He remembered.

It'd been so long, she hadn't expected him to ever remember again. She wasn't waiting for it anymore, like she had at first. She also knew, it wasn't important anymore that he didn't remember, because they had built something else, strong and beautiful. But now that he did, it was like they were perfect. Whole.

Alex giggled with joy, grabbing Matt by the collar and kissing him with force. She swallowed his cry of surprise, and soon he was responding with passion. His hands reaching behind her back, pushing her closer until she found herself sitting on his lap. They were both laughing and moaning at the same time, the kiss absolutely messy, and it made her think.

"Do you remember," she breathed out when they parted to breathe, "Utah?"

_The desert in the cold night. The moon on her skin. Her eyes shining like the dark lake. They have escaped the hotel, longing for adventure, following the road in the middle of nowhere. There they kiss, the sand their only witness. They stumble on the ground, giggling. It's early in their story and it's still thrilling, amazing, to be together. The wild nature only increases the feeling._

_Half their clothes are removed when it starts to rain. It is sudden, nothing announcing it, and in a few seconds they are completely soaked. They run, laughing, coming back to the hotel as quickly as they can. They tremble with cold when they arrive, but it doesn't matter. They fall in bed, naked, pulling closer and making love, slowly warming up. And it's there he tells her, for the first time. He loves her._

Matt smiled, the memory as vivid as if it was yesterday. "Of course I do."


	24. Epilogue

_months later_

He kissed her as he eased out of her, and kept kissing her lips and cheeks and nose as she sighed contentedly.

"Best way to wake up," he whispered against her skin and he couldn't resist to peck her another time.

"I agree."

"I wish we never had to get out of bed."

He felt her freeze at his words and he frowned at her. "What?"

"Oh my god." She untangled from him completely, pushing him as she glanced at the clock in alarm. "It's almost 9. I will never be ready in time!"

She all but rushed out of bed as he fell back against the pillow. He knew she had an interview for some role this morning, and he really thought they would have time - but then they were both too busy to think about it. She still had time he realised, only a little but she still had it. She didn't seem to think the same though, as he could hear her in the bathroom, water running from the shower at the same time as she pulled the flush.

He couldn't help but smile at the sounds. A few seconds later Alex appeared in the bedroom again, still naked and brushing her teeth with one hand as she reached for the cupboard with the other. She said something at the same time, but he couldn't understand a word with her toothbrush in the way.

"I don't understand what you're saying, love," he replied and she rolled her eyes at him. He didn't need to hear the next thing clearly to understand it was a curse.

She rummaged in the cupboard, taking a few shirts and skirts out of it and throwing them on the bed before running into the bathroom again. He looked at her clothes sceptically while she was gone - he felt like none of them really matched and he wasn't sure it would be a good idea for her to be late _and_ looking like a 90's girl without a taste for fashion.

"I'm so late, you shouldn't have distracted me like that today."

"You liked it," he replied, sitting up.

"Don't even try."

He smiled as she tried to sound angry but totally failed. He kept watching as she rummaged in her clothes again, looking at what she'd already put out and sighing dramatically.

"I don't have a thing to wear."

"Then don't wear anything." She rolled her eyes at him again at that, and at the same time something clicked in his mind. It wasn't what he had expected, but then, why not? "I'm serious, you're gorgeous."

She faintly blushed at that, but didn't try to contradict him. It was a thing that had changed recently. She had somehow stopped doubting everything he said about her being beautiful, just blushing slightly and it was the most adorable thing he knew.

"I can't go to this _naked_. They would never hire me, it's not _that_ kind of show, you know."

She turned her back to him again, and he took the opportunity, opening his nightstand as his heart beat madly in his chest. "It's a pity, it would highlight your eyes. And also this new ring of yours."

"What ring of mine?"

"The one I'm about to offer and you're about to accept."

"Matt, I don't have time for that game, I'm late and --" She stopped dead in her tracks as she turned away from the cupboard, and this time he was right behind her, standing with the opened box in his hands. She looked at the ring in it, then back to his face, and what seemed to be an awfully long time passed before she finally said something.

"Matt... is it... Are you... are you proposing?"

He cleared his throat. This wasn't really how he had imagined it - she was late, a trace of toothpaste still at the corner of her mouth, a pair of old shoes in one hand while he stood totally naked except for the ring in his hands... but it felt right, didn't it? Him and her and nothing to hide. Another memory they would share and would never be able to forget.

"I, well... I think I am."

She kept gaping at him for a few seconds, and he wasn't sure what it meant - if she was only surprised, or if she expected something else. So he kept on. "I know we've been through a lot recently and now I'm sure, after all that, nothing will ever stop me from loving you, from being with you everyday for the rest of this life, and I thought - well, if you agree, I would like to... I would be very happy if you could... Alex, would you..."

He struggled to find the right words, but then he didn't have to because Alex was kissing him with such force they both landed on the pile of clothes on the bed. She kissed and kissed him until he felt like he would die right then but it would be the best way of leaving.

"Is it a yes?" he asked when they finally parted to breathe, and she was laughing and crying at the same time.

"Of course, idiot."

She kissed him again and this time they didn't stop for a long time, the interview long forgotten.

When they left the bed again, they spent long minutes looking for the ring, the box having been knocked while they were celebrating the engagement; they found it between Alex's clothes and shoes. They had pushed under the bed, and it was the first thing she put while she dressed. She arrived almost an hour late at her appointment, but she had the brightest smile on her face.

Later, when they would think about it, they would laugh at it and would agree about that fact: it had been the moment when everything had been over, and when everything had started. The moment when they stopped worrying about the past, and started looking for the future.  


 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can barely believe it myself but this is it, the fic is over. I've spent a year on it and I'm glad it's over, but at the same time I'm gonna miss it, miss working on it and miss posting it, miss reading your comments each week. Thank you all for your support ! It's been a fantastic journey thanks to you.  
> Also a HUGE thanks to Sam who beta read me, and helped me all along. I wouldn't have made it without her.  
> And for those who want to spend more time on this fic, I made a mix to go with it, you can find it [here](http://8tracks.com/amie33/sometimes-love-is-enough)


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